Something, something, something, NHS waiting times, something, something, something.

I hope you like green.

Good Gourd Girl Get A Grip

For the quarterfinal challenge the potters were having to make a Double Gourd Vase (DVG for when I get bored of typing all that out) which would later be decorated with a red copper lustre glaze. In theory at least… This technique is very much getting banished to the Throwdown’s Cupboard of Forgotten Ideas where it shall gather dust alongside Terracotta Week and the experiment into raku stenciling that it turns out they did wrong. I love this show but sometimes it does feel like they read half of a WikiHow article

I wouldn’t change it for anything, I enjoy the fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants confidence, that’s half of what at-home hobbyism is.

The potters had the option of trying to throw their vases in one or two sections. Given that it had to be 40cm high (Keith never once brought out the ruler so that got abandoned pretty quickly) most of the potters opted to throw it in two sections. However, Natalie was going for the entirely optional brownie points and risking it in one

and it was going so well, right up until she had to go for the nozzle

however it was easy enough to throw that separately and attach it which she managed to not let it get to her too much – the fact she had a cheer squad of Diana and her Motivational Moodboard on hand did help

while the decision to throw in two parts was techniquely easier when it came to throwing, it did come with the downside of trying to attach the two gourded segments – keeping track of the circumference to make sure they were attachable, fusing them together without adding too much extra clay and keeping them centred. My favourite part of this entire episode was the 2 minutes they spent with Steve worrying about how he was going to correct the fact his vase was off-centre

only to later reveal that this was actually his second vase and his first one was perfect

he has this so comedically in the bag we might as well just bring all the potters back for the last two episodes just for shits and giggles. I need to know what Excessively Straight Chris and Hula Hoopin’ Garden Gnome Stephen would have done for Hellmouth Fireplace Week.
The inspiration behind Steve’s decoration was the ginkgo tree, a favourite of both his wife and anyone looking for a name for a grass type pokemon

it’s also a tree native to China, which is also where the copper lustreware originates. This was also James’s logic with his Plum Blossom design being inspired by the plum blossom being the national flower of China

James was fine with having a similar concept to Steve though

it’s ok James, just go scream in the drying room, everyone’s done it.

Francesca was also going for a floral motif, however hers was much more abstract and inspired by the number 8 being her lucky number, which it’s also regarded as in Chinese culture but instead of the capitalism route, she was going with Harmony in Nature – sure!

she did of course commit the cardinal sin of reality TV which was feeling even a little bit confident about what you’re doing

as Francesca came up against a little bit of a structural issue within the base of one of her gourds

“I hope that’s not an S-crack…” she says as she stares down the barrel of an S-crack </3. She did manage to throw two vases though which gave her an agonising choice at the end

go with the better shape but inevitable s-crack or the less good shape and risk Keith bringing out the ruler to suit his needs. Siobhan had a front row seat in this one-woman production of Sophie’s Choice

a face that alone says “Babe, you’re going home either way, just pick one.”

Francesca’s biggest hope for survival was the fact Diana was really phoning it in when it came to the decoration of her lustre glaze which she just described as “brushstrokes” with barely an elaboration

I love Diana, I think she’s been a wonderfully consistent potter throughout the series who would definitely have a couple of wins under her belt if she’d appeared in an earlier series that wouldn’t be dominated by 3 people. However, a little part of me believes she was trying to throw herself off a cliff ahead of having to build a freaking fireplace out of clay – SUDDENLY THE FAVOURITE CHILDHOOD VIDEO GAME BIDET DOESN’T SOUND SO SILLY, HUH?

I Posset This To You

For their quarterfinal Throwdown Challenge, the potters were having to make a Posset Pot that looks slightly like a grumpy elephant

posset actually has a really fascinating history – starting out as a sort of 15th century Huel before going extinct and the name being revived 100 years later for the pudding we’re more familiar with today. It also used to be called “Poosay” which is *very* funny. I can’t wait for history to repeat itself and Grenade protein bars to go extinct before being revived as a quaint middle english dessert beloved by the average nan.

In order to make their pots the potters were given a pre-extruded spout and 4 lumps of clay for each of the rest of the pieces that came with such helpful descriptions as this

Fran got a little bit mixed up with her lumps of similar but still very different clay which meant she was a little rushed towards the end and didn’t quite get her handles attached correctly

she did however ace the real aspect of the challenge which was to give them plenty of footage of anyone reacting to Rich saying the word “knob”

and for that I believe she deserved better than 5th.

She was only narrowly beaten by Steve and his dainty little knob

Steve had gone the extra mile of giving his posset pot eyes, which did make it look even more like the Disappointed Pakistani Cricket Fan

James did however manage to pull one over on Steve

I’m not *entirely* sure how considering his pot-shape is as wrong as Francesca’s and the lid very obviously didn’t fit but he innuendo’d at an 11 so that’s at least 5 wicked wango bonus points

it turns out, you can!

That left Natalie and Diana vying for top spot, although this was treated as something of a foregone conclusion considering Diana got isekai’d into the Throwdown after she was tried for witchcraft because she made a vase and would obviously be very familiar with a posset

and sure enough she did win, moreso for being the only potter to get the shape of the pot correct – just ignore the fact her pot had about as much snout as a snub-nosed monkey

you wouldn’t possibly be able to pour your *checks notes* cinnamon spiced curdled milk and ale out of that. Posset very much deserves to be extinct. Like the Deinotherium

dumbass BETA testing elephant.

A Posset Jug Ranking:
1. Diana The Isekai’d Witch of Burslem
2. Natalie, Chief Lump Operator
3. James’s Extra Innuendo Points
4. Steve’s Disappointed Pakistani Posset Jug
5. Francesca Was A Little Bit Robbed

Copper Feel

And this is where the challenge begins to go a little bit off the rails, beginning with the potters having to mix their own copper lustre glaze. It’s not entirely clear how much instruction they were given in doing this beyond “please don’t kill yourself!”

and given how often Rich had to say “I think there was just too much copper in the mixture” during every critique, it seems A LOT more supervision and guidance was needed? And maybe this would have been a better technique to explore with a guest judge during a mini challenge? “Mini Challenge” she says, forgetting this isn’t Drag Race.

An added challenge within this particular process was the potters having to build their own kilns – which they do every couple of series and always try to make sound like a bigger challenge than it seems to be? It’s hardly the Pyramids of Giza

I’m sure it’s harder than it looks but it’s never once been a suspenseful part of a firing challenge so I don’t know why they insist on treating it as such. You just used up 5 minutes of what could have been dedicated to Siobhan desperately trying to get Diana to put any amount of effort into her glazing

Diana hated this challenge and wanted NOTHING to do with it! It is Week 8 and everyone deserves a Fatigue Week as a little treat.

The firing process went without much of a hitch, the only real “Ruh roh!” moment was Steve checking on his pyrometric cones to find out that all of them had wilted instead of the preferred two

which meant that his kiln was probably too high a temperature but despite this everyone arrived the next day full of optimism

only for EVERY. SINGLE. POTTER. to open up their kilns to find out not a single one of their vases had developed the red lustre but MY GOD did they all try valiantly to feign delight with their pieces

I wonder how this could have possibly happened?

I desperately want to know what Princess has to say because this was A FACE

LET! HER! SPEAK!

Steve had got by far the most reaction out of his, it was just very much the wrongest reaction

I… still really like it. Like the judges said, it’s very impactful and would certainly still look good as a piece of decoration. I wish he hadn’t tried to etch in the veins, I think they added a rigidity that feels at odds with the fluidity of his brush strokes

James also ended up with quite a dark reaction because the universe has decided that he and Steve will forever be tethered in their endeavours

but again, I don’t think it actually hinders the design and in fact gives it a real sort of woodblock print aesthetic that suits the Chinese inspiration.

The only potter to get any sort of proper reduction on their glazing was Francesca who had some properly red patches of her glazing

but she did have that pretty gnarly s-crack in the bottom still

which the judges are only really able to forgive until about week 3 before it starts getting treated like an almighty sin. It was pretty apparent that Francesca was going home because she’d now been dinged for an s-crack two weeks in a row but there was some hope because Diana’s vase just… kind of nothing?

it’s like the ghost of a double gourd vase. I think an underratedly difficult aspect of these craft-based competition series is coming up with enough concepts and ideas to get you to the end of the competition. Diana has done really well on the challenges with more of a concrete theme and I think this is her kind of creatively floundering without being told to make a Double Gourd Vase inspired by your favourite breakfast cereal. I’m sure there’s a homemade organic muesli double gourd vase within her that’s absolutely beautiful but she just needs a bit more of a hand getting to that idea.

Lastly we have Natalie whose vase looked delightfully like a Gyroid from Animal Crossing

still can’t believe the Whistloid got through Nintendo’s product control without a single person raising the possibility of it being treated as a decorative bong

incredible.

A Double Gourd Vase Ranking:
1. Natalie’s Nintendo-friendly Bong
2. Steve’s Dalmatian Ginkgo
3. James Is Third By Default
4. Francesca’s Pottery Gang Name is Scrack
5. Diana’s Wisp of a Vase

You knew Natalie was going to get Potter of the Week because her vase was the only one to make Keith even a little bit emotional

as for the elimination, it was definitely either Francesca or Diana. I do think Francesca had the better vase (I truly just CANNOT with Diana’s) but Francesca’s been on the brink of disaster for a few weeks and having lost the Throwdown Challenge with Diana coming first, I think it was ultimately fair and time to say goodbye to The Blog Favourite

I’ll never forget you!

and so, the Three Finalists and Diana move on creating portals to hell