There’s a pill for that.

Won’t somebody please think of the eggs!

Oh Schnitzel!

Kicking off the series was Monica’s Skills Test, which means that Marcus will be starting his 10 year anniversary in the closet

where he would get the privilege of watching the first two contestants of the year creating Monica’s Carrot Schnitzel with White Bean Hummus and Zhoug

it’s a relatively tame start to the year if you’re willing to accept a breadcrumbed carrot as food. Of course the Zhoug was mostly only there in the hopes the chefs wouldn’t know what it was and panic. Toby, who got the ball rolling, very openly admitted to not knowing what Zhoug was. However his biggest obstacle proved to be his spacial awareness as he tried to shove a full length carrot into a very small bowl of breadcrumbs

the disappointment in Monica’s voice was palpable, but in the end Toby, or to give him his full name Tapas Chef and Former Part-time Firefighter and Landscape Gardener Toby ended up with a decent enough plate of food

the Zhoug wasn’t enough of a sauce and was kind of just slightly damp garlicky leaves but he’d cooked the carrot correctly and they were more than happy with this hummus.

Chloe, the second chef to take on Monica’s recipe, breezed through the entire challenge with such an effortless ease you would have thought she’d set the challenge herself

Toby didn’t do badly but Chloe’s skill and natural proficiency in the kitchen made it seem like he’d done badly because her dish was absolutely perfect

there was not a single thing for the judges to complain about so Gregg just had to state the obvious

he’d also correctly identified that a Carrot Schnitzel and Hummus sounded like it was a plant-based dish

I’m beginning to think that MasterChef: The Professionals is just a Montessori nursery school that Gregg’s wife puts him into for a quarter of the year to get a break.

5, 6, 7, Beignet!

For his inaugural 10th anniversairy Skills Test, Marcus was asking his two chefs to create a batch of Choux Beignets covered in Lavender Sugar and served with an Orange Cream

the pastry challenges are always the most difficult ones, with possibly the exception of the annual event of two unfortunate chefs having to wrestle an enigmatic crustacean, but I can’t think of anything in a culinary competition that would make my heart sink faster than being surprised with choux pastry. They were at least told that all of the quantities for their pastry had been pre-weighed and portioned out

however, Gaston has major trust issues and refused to believe that this could be anything other than an elaborate trap, leaving a single untrustable egg behind for good measure

this would not be the most untrustworthy egg featured this episode because during his intro, Gaston hatched whatever this is

meanwhile fellow chef, Nkosi just chucked egg after egg into the bowl without a care in the world in what might be one of my favourite pieces of MasterChef editing ever

instead, Nkosi was convinced that the devious trap in this pastry dungeon crawl was the lavender sugar because surely it has to be more involved than just shredding lavender into sugar

at least they steered Nkosi in the right direction before he turned the making of lavender scented sugar into a culinary Rube Goldberg machine, they just sat back and let Gaston hang himself

Gaston’s french accent and neckerchief combo really lulled them into a false sense of security about how adept he would be at making Choux Pastry

and at first it looked… ok? Sure it was visibly still leaking uncooked pastry when he decided to take it out of the fryer but the beignets were… a shape

but the real disaster was after they had been taken out and left to sit for a bit and they rapidly deflated into a pile of anaemic looking slugs

absolutely nothing about this test went well for Gaston which only helped Nkosi, who had barely made something you could pass off as Choux Pastry, look like a pastry making adept

this was just funnel cakes by any other name. But what really helped the two of them was the fact they were both incredibly charming and charismatic during their bumbling adventure through choux pastry and you’ll see why this helps in the next episode…

Please Sign Here.

MasterChef: The Professionals is steadfastly clinging to their format with the last half of the introductory episodes being dedicated to the chefs trying to redeem their blind panic and inability to trust eggs with a signature two course menu. Or in the case of Chloe, you can just cement your early frontrunner status with two incredibly well made and conceptualised dishes

I can’t say the main course of Lamb with the usual accompaniments particularly catches my attention but I’m also just not a fan of lamb in general and would never gravitate to it on a menu. However her Cardamom Panna Cotta did sound amazing, although I am a firm believer that serving a panna cotta in a way that doesn’t allow you to shake the plate and watch it wobble is antithetical to the very essence of a panna cotta.

Nobody was a complete high concept disaster this episode which is a surprise because three of the four chefs hadn’t had *great* skills tests. The obvious weak link was Toby because, as it turns out, a dish consisting of a chicken breast and half a carrot isn’t really much of a plate of food

but God bless him for trying to make it sound like a romantic and heartfelt dish

if my husband went on MasterChef and the ONE THING he said about me was “My missus loves a carrot.” he would be sleeping on the couch for a week. Marcus however, was not feeling the love in Toby’s girthy purple carrot

and just to complete the fact it all looked like a sad bulking meal, the chicken had dried out because he wasn’t cooking it on the bone. His dessert followed in a similar vein with the sponge of his sticky toffee pudding being so dry it repelled the very concept of moisture

also, I hope we can all agree that that toffee sauce is far too pale – it’s the colour of chip shop curry sauce and I find that a deeply upsetting mind-fuck. The judges never brought this up, mostly because the fact his ice cream could be described as “stringy” was probably the more pressing issue

Toby could make a killing on sensory slime TikTok.

Gaston had a very good redemption arc. After having royally screwed up choux pastry, he was going ham on the French classics with his starter of a Chicken Parfait Crepe Cake

I would like to try it because it looks like supermarket Hoison Duck Wrap but Marcus raved about it, claiming he would ask for a second portion in a restaurant

which has me curious as to whether that’s something people actually do? Or is it a privilege reserved for TV chefs? Tell me if you’ve ever asked for seconds in a restaurant! I could never, I feel bad enough ordering a side dish!

Gaston’s dessert was less French, being the school dinner classic of Jelly and Ice Cream. Of course instead of Miscellaneous Fruit Jelly and Bulk Bought Synthetic Vanilla Ice Cream, this was “jellified grapefruit” (the worst way you could phrase this)

and White Chocolate Ice Cream topped with Caviar because Gaston has a weird relationship with eggs

the judges all raved about it. If you’re curious as to what kind of caviar it was, I’m assuming it was the Baeri Black from the Kasnodar brand (I fell down a rabbit hole about caviar farming in Madagascar of all places)

which is just a fancy way of saying Siberian Sturgeon. It’s also 15 euros per 10g if you’re wondering why Toby only got a chicken breast and a carrot that had to buy flowers from a gas station because it forgot it was Marcus’s 10th anniversary.

Lastly, and far from leastly, we have Nkosi who was starting his menu with a very good if, much like Chloe’s lamb dish, slightly unexciting sounding Cod Loin and Clam Dish

the only complaint he got was Monica’s desperation to have more decently cooked clams

the Gollum-like desperation in her voice becomes easily explainable after you’ve seen what Beth and Rohit do to a bowl of clams in the next episode.

Nkosi had clearly prioritised his dessert, which was a smart decision after fumbling a pastry Skills Test. His redemptive dessert being a Dark Muscovado Sponge with Tonka Bean Chantilly and Cinnamon Tuiles

it looks stunning and by all accounts tasted as good as it looked.

A Signature Dish Ranking:
1. Chloe’s Panna Cotta is on Notice
2. MAXIMUM FRENCH OVERDRIVE!
3. Nkosi’s Sweet Redemption
4. Fine, The Lamb Was Good
5. MORE CLAMS!
6. Gaston’s Dessert is 6th But The Gap Between 6th and 7th is… A Canyon
7. Sticky Toby Pudding
8. Toby’s Divorced Carrot

In what seems to be a far too rigid clinging to a format by numbers, for what feels like the 4th year in a row, the judges can’t make a decision as to which two chefs to eliminate in the first episode so Toby has to do a lonely walk of shame

meaning Chloe, Nkosi and Gaston are our first quarterfinalists

I’m quite glad, I did really like all of them. Which means they’re all doomed to be eliminated by rising Villain of the Series, Gareth Whomst I Am Obsessed With.