RETRO RECAP: MasterChef, Series 1, Episode 2: High Femme Porkchop

It’s The Thomasina Episode!

Nothing in this world can prepare you for Jamie’s Fuchsia Sauce.

Invents and Purposes

This episode’s Invention Test ingredients were a porkchop, potatoes, French beans and then the pitfall of Apples and Plums – both of which go with pork beautifully, but using both would very swiftly turn your porkchop into the outlier in a fruit salad. Or in the case of painter and decorator Jamie, a nondescript cream sauce that only ever got referred to as Jamie’s Fuchsia Sauce like it was the McDonald’s Special Sauce

and this sauce went on quite the emotional journey, starting life off as a delicate Earthen Cream 3 according to the Dulux Paint Chart, a language I am sure Jamie is fluent in

that apparently wasn’t pink enough for him so he cooked all the colour out of his plums until it was Burnt Autumn 4

however, by the time Gregg and John got around to tasting his food it had congealed into a shade not seen in nature since Laurence Llewelyn Bowen had to create a romantic boudoir in 2001

nothing about this dismantled blobfish of a dish makes sense and was naturally met with a stunned silence that spanned decades in only 3 seconds

It’s going to be hard to beat it as the ugliest plate of food ever served up on MasterChef – a list I am certainly keeping track of, so keep your eyes peeled for that countdown of horrors.

The biggest talking point of this episode is the hindsight of knowing that (20 YEAR OLD SPOILER ALERT) Thomasina wins. Interestingly, she had a pretty bad start to the competition as she struggled her way through this challenge jittering like a heron with anxiety

and served up a plate of… well, everything

for those curious, AND I KNOW YOU ARE, Dulux tells me her sauce is a shade of Red Stallion 1

which is only a degree of red more edible looking than Jamie’s Changing Rooms Puree. The only thing that really saved Thomasina this episode was that she had anecdotes about Mexico and that Natalie had covered a plate of chips and onion rings with soy sauce

the most fascinating thing about these early series are how set in their ways both John and Gregg are – there’s endless complaining about fusion food in a future episode which has, as I’m sure you can expect from something filmed in 2005, aged horrifically. As was the reception of Simon’s Pork and Beans Staircase to Heaven

which had Gregg threatening to send Simon to one of those 3 day alpha male bootcamps that costs $18,000 to have a bunch of roided up men scream in your face like a Raging Stallion video (but remember, it’s not homoerotic at all)

instead Simon was going to do the next best thing: drink until you stop feeling feelings

I demand justice for Femme-coded Simon and his silly beans, especially because nobody said anything when John reacted to Sam’s dish of Surprisingly Normal Food™ like he was a child who’d just discovered the joys of a fish finger

I will gladly send baby talking John Torode to military camp, I don’t care.

Lastly we have Michelle who at some point just became “Cake and Soup Lady” without any explanation

there is no discussion that leads to this because Michelle only communicated with Yes or No answers, it just sort of became her moniker. SHE DIDN’T EVEN COOK SOUP OR CAKE

and actually may have had the most technically adept and interesting plate of food given she made dauphinois potatoes while everyone either just boiled or turned them into “little chips” that Gregg mocked because HE’S A MAN DAMMIT

Simon, they would love you now, I know it. I love you now. I hope you’re ok.

An Invention Test Ranking:
1. Simon’s High Femme Porkchop
2. Sam’s Surprisingly Normal Food™
3. Justice For Cake and Soup Lady
4. Would You Like Some Onion Rings With Your Soy Sauce?
5. I Went To Cancun And All I Got Was This Diplomatic Immunity
6. The Laurence Llewelyn Bowen of Gravy

Given Jamie’s abuse of the colour spectrum and Cake and Soup Lady only talking in beeps and boops, they were goners

Simon and Sam were both put through on the grounds they cooked coherent plates of food which left John and Gregg choosing between Thomasina and Natalie. In my opinion, it should’ve been curtains for Thomasina but her tales of Cancun saved her and Natalie was dismissed

the episode doesn’t get a lot better for Thomasina, it’s really quite a miracle she got through this first episode in the end.

Flash in a Pan

This episode’s professional destination was Momo, a Moroccan restaurant which I believe is still running although it has changed hands – the head chef in 2005 being Mohamed Ourad who now, according to a cursory Google search, is at Asil in Dubai. He was a really kind mentor, he didn’t even laugh in Thomasina’s face when she said this

God bless her, she really is the personification of gentrification. Mohamed did however, understandably, banish her to the pot washing section after she messed up her couscous

she set herself up for it by telling him she knew what Sumac was. IT WAS 2005! There were only 4 spices in the average British home: Smoked Paprika, Chinese Five Spice, Generic Mild Curry Powder and the Chinese Five Spice That Your Forgot About And Has Since Solidified Inside The Jar.

Sam however was completely clueless about everything because 2005 was still a time when not everyone entered the MasterChef kitchen knowing how to cook a scallop

I think the best measure of MasterChef’s eras are the Before Scallops, The Scallop Renaissance and our current Post-Scallop Movement.

The cooking of the scallops didn’t prove much of an issue for Sam, instead she struggled with presentation even after Mohamed very carefully sketched out a diagram for her

so what you’re aiming for is a sort of UFO if your only building materials were shellfish

and this is what she started plating up:

she did eventually get the hang of not serving it like she was on a moving vehicle and was deemed the most employable by Mohamed. But he also liked Simon who we were shown approximately 5 seconds of footage of – so here’s a screenshot to prove he was there being all ~manly~

he wouldn’t employ Thomasina though, he made that much VERY clear.

A Two Course Race

In the final round, Thomasina was out to redeem her pork cookery with a main course of Pork and Olive Tapenade but first she had to survive Gregg’s Olive Oil Pop Quiz

I think we could do with this format returning and if you can’t tell Gregg what the scientific name for a sea bass is, you can’t cook it. Of course Thomasina knew all about the classification of olive oil, but sadly her pork dish that it was used for wasn’t as successful

to me it doesn’t look like a bad dish and I can’t help but think that pork medallions with black olive tapenade and crushed potatoes isn’t an absurd idea but John and Gregg both thought she’d combined too many elements. Nowadays I think this dish would be called too safe.

Her menu had started off on an equally divisive note with Gregg threatening to call the Tzatziki Police because she’d dared to replace the cucumber in her tzatziki with beetroot

oh Greggward, you just wait to see what you’ll blindly call a tzatziki in about 15 years time. John however was more won over by the dish of Mackerel and Beetroot Tzatziki

Gregg however would not look the pink blob directly in the eye lest it corrupt him like Tinky Winky corrupts the youth

PINK IS FOR GIRLS LIKE SIMON! Dulux informs it was Moroccan Velvet 3 for those looking for feature wall inspiration.

Speaking of Simon, John and Gregg had successfully beaten him into growing chest hair because his Salmon and Scallops hadn’t come trussed up like they were making their societal debut

and the leftover whisky he’d used to grow them was being kept safe in a tiny jar that John Torode couldn’t open

WHO’S NOT A MAN NOW, TORODE!?

The Cranachan proved easier to get into than the jar of forbidden whisky

John and Gregg both loved it, I’m not convinced the texture was right because it did look a bit like someone had forgotten their Weetabix for three hours

but I shall not commit myself to saying it was wrong because I’ve only had it once and I’m sure it’s one of those dishes that has a different variant in every region and each will go to war to defend their particular style of Cranachan.

Lastly we have Sam who was doomed the moment that you realised amongst Simon cooking scallops and Thomasina fielding pub quiz trivia about olive oil, Sam’s Mushrooms on Toast would not stand up to much scrutiny

God, gone are the days you could get away with not making your own artisanal baguette inspired by your French grandmother.

Her fish pie was a little more exciting and came with a suitably traditional bonkers approach to vegetable proportions

John and Gregg thought it was silly with John suggesting the beans should’ve been used as a garnish

it was a good fish pie but quite obvious that despite Sam being the glue holding this entire show together

she was very much going home this episode – but I hope she realised her destiny of running a canal-side pub with such an iron fist that the regulars are all a little bit scared of her.

A Two Course Menu Ranking:
1. Salmon and Scallops: FOR MEN!
2. Thomasina’s Porkchop Redemption
3. Simon’s Cranachan In Cool Packaging With Camo Print On it
4. Thomasina’s Tinky Winky Tzatziki
5. Sam’s Garnish of Green Beans
6. It was *just* Mushrooms on Toast, babe.

With Sam obviously out on the grounds she hadn’t pushed herself hard enough, John and Gregg were left to agonise over whether they should put through Simon, the better cook, or Thomasina, the better addition to your pub quiz team. When I say “agonise” I do mean AGONISE because both of these men walked away from this set with a migraine