John Torode’s table magic career leaves a little to be desired.

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Fusion

For this week’s Quarterfinal the contestants were having to make their best fusion dishes. The mad man responsible for setting this challenge being Jimi Famurewa

or as Gregg calls him “Big Jim”

I don’t know if I have ever seen someone who looks less like a “Big Jim” than Jimi but terrible banter is Gregg’s bread and butter and who am I to take that away from him?

A couple of the contestants had cooked for Jimi before. Natasha’s Fruit Salad Mille Feuille in particular still lives rent free in his head

and oh look at that, Chris also cooked a mille feuille that went down well with Jimi

so take notes MasterChef contestants the key to Jimi Famurewa’s heart is simply layered pastry and creme patissier. Someone could’ve at least told Ajay this instead of letting him make a dessert that had a distinctly threatening aura to it

it’s all so… anonymous. I mean it never bodes well when the only way that the judges can refer to the mothership in your pastiche of a Galaga boss battle was “the disc with the red on it”

it’s so… meaty looking. And then we have the ominously grey sesame ice cream covered in blackberry couli which looked like leaked footage from Area 51

Ajay… WHAT HAPPENED? It’s like when you leave a perfectly well behaved dog alone for 20 minutes, come back and your couch looks like this with your pedigree alsatian gleefully wagging its tail in the middle of it all having defeated the evil that was your SCS leather sofa

I THOUGHT WE COULD TRUST YOU WITH THE UPHOLSTERY? Your dessert privileges are revoked, no more “discs with the red on it” from you. You stick to your lane of incredibly boujee scallops.

Chris also opted for a dessert and I was worried when he said he was combining a Danish rice pudding with an Indian gulab jamun. My concern being I didn’t know how distinctly Danish the rice pudding would be, especially because India has their own rice pudding, Kheer. My worries were entirely misplaced as the judges all raved about his dish

and I might have to write a 2000 word essay on where Gregg’s sudden impulsive association of cherry with chewing gum comes from

maybe it’s just because I’m not a chewing gum person so I haven’t built up this Rorschachian response but I would find it just as odd if someone kept exclaiming that everyone’s cherry compote reminded them of Frubes.

The rest of the contestants were making main courses. Or at least, they were main courses in theory, Matthew had actually just made a few snacks arranged on a staircase like the Von Trapp family

remember how last year Matthew had two very successful challenges and then brainfarted himself into the MasterChef back catalogue? To quote the famed philosopher and essayist, Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter, “Baby, I swear it’s Deja Vu”. Matthew had had the great idea of an East Meets West Indes dish, filling Pani Puri with a pair of caribbean curries: a chickpea Trini Double and one with mutton. Then John found his dirty little secret, pre-made Pani Puri discs that you just drop into a deep fat fryer and they puff up like one of those novelty bath toys

and immediately I knew he was a goner because people have been exiled from the show for not bothering to make their own mayonnaise. “Hellmann’s” is a dirty word in that kitchen. And sure enough, Matthew immediately found himself receiving the “I don’t see a lot of technique” and I can’t really disagree

he might’ve been alright if this was a first round (and his first time at the rodeo) but this was his second quarterfinal… He wasn’t the only one to have a confusing showing. Everyone had high hopes for Natasha because fusion is the name of her game, one of her greatest hits afterall was combining the british mundanity of a fruit salad with French mille feuilles! However, you could see this going south when she told them she was making a Chinese Lasagne with Gregg observing that the only Italian influence was the pasta

and sure enough, her dish wasn’t so much a lasagne as it was a conceptual multistory stir fry carpark

open-plan lasagnes are bad at the best of times, but without a bechamel sauce or cheese all Natasha had really made was an apathetic dumpling. I believe that’s what the NHS Crisis Team referred to me as during last year’s Bad Time™.

Cliodhna also went for an Italian fusion, choosing to add an italian twist to a Scottish Chicken Braemar. She was doing away with the Haggis filling, opting for a Black Pudding and Mushroom filling and serving it with Truffle Mash and a whiskey and nduja sauce

on paper it all sounds a bit insane and as though it would taste a bit like a WWE Cage Match was happening in your mouth

but full credit to Cliodhna for managing to balance several incredibly intense flavours, leaving the judges in a bit of a stunned stupor as she walked away with the big gaudy belt of the episode

good for her.

Lastly we have Mary and I could have safely wagered £50 that she’d use a classic British roast dinner as the basis of her fusion dish

she was going with lamb which was a sensible option considering it pairs well with the Middle Eastern flavours that she was using. Much like Cliodhna, she had A LOT going on, so much so she at one point misplaced her date gravy – the thought of a graviless future chilling Jimi to his very core

luckily she found it and while a lot of her use of middle eastern spices like sumac and za’atar was a little too polite, it was an enjoyable enough dish

however it was her Feta and Tahini Cauliflower cheese that stole the show

take that to the bank.

A Fusion Dish Ranking:
1. Cliodhna’s Scottish-Italian Cage Match
2. The Curious Case of Gregg and the Pavlovian Cherry Bubblegum
3. Mary’s Roast Dinner Bingo
4. Cheat’s Pani Puri
5. Natasha’s Apathetic Dumpling
6. Ajay’s Metaphorically Ruined Couch

We did have to lose three of this week’s quarterfinalists. Ajay and Natasha both bit the dust early on in the discussion

and the third coming down to a choice between Mary and Matthew. Ultimately they couldn’t really excuse Matthew for cutting corners given so many previous contestants had made the same dish entirely from scratch

third time’s the charm?