Jan vs The Word “Funk” Update: Still wildly misunderstanding it.
We finally get an answer to that age old All Stars question: How is it best to destroy Jan’s soul?
Keep Calm and A’keria On
It wasn’t very surprising that after two appearances in the bottom 2 that it was a unanimous decision amongst the queens to eliminate A’keria – and bless Ginger for trying to lessen the blow of eliminating The Runway Queen of the Season by saying “She looked so triumphant when she was eliminated.” Whatever helps you sleep at night, Ginger.
Rather more surprisingly is that because we’re now just beyond the halfway mark of the season it’s time to consult the BenDeLaCreme’s All Star Track Record Abacus and of all the people to do it’s Jan, who loudly proclaims “I notice there’s 5 queens who have won an episode and 2 who haven’t.” and entirely excludes bottom two/three placements off the scorecard which I’m sure has nothing to do with the fact she’d been there twice and therefore has the highest tally… The two Unwinning Queens are of course Pandora and Eureka
and honestly, both of them could have easily had a win under the belts – Pandora for the last acting challenge where I truly believe she was robbed (I will die on this hill. Although can you imagine THAT car crash of an Xtina lipsync? PLEASE INJECT IT INTO MY VEINS.) and Eureka really should have won the Pink Table Talk challenge and Hell, give her the win for her performance as the possessed roast chicken
I hadn’t expected to enjoy Eureka as much as I am this season, she’s really grown on me and has been rather delightful.
Girl Gripes
The Maxi Challenge this week was that good old Drag Race staple: write and perform your own voice to a song that sounds a little bit like it was autogenerated in a British bowling alley’s arcade machine. The song being “Show Up Queen” and the challenge being to write an uplifting and entertaining verse that lets the people know what you as a drag queen stand for. Or if you’re Jan, you could just unleash the inner theatre demon that is doing its best to crawl out of your chest.
For absolutely no reason other than to create fake choreography drama later on the queens have to do it in two teams, the captains being Kylie for winning and Ra’Jah for narrowly avoiding elimination and for some reason is given the privilege of choosing the first person, naturally going for Jan. The rest of her team being Trinity and Pandora getting lumped in with them because she was chosen last – quite why I don’t know considering she was a High placement when they did the rock chick challenge in season 2
only managing to lose to the utter chaos that was Jessica Wild’s screaming, as any queen would.
This meant that Kylie managed to snag herself Ginger and Eureka, or as they later dub themselves “The Country Bumpkins”.
My absolute favourite part of the entire challenge was the fact that Snag Tights had bought themselves a promo slot and the queens were encouraged to use them to help complete their looks and subsequently not a single queen wore any kind of tights beyond the usual fishnets and nude tights that I 100% believe they all brought in themselves
it’s almost as bad as the Shoes For Queens promo where Trinity just complained about how poorly they fit her.
My other favourite part of the whole challenge being Jan completely missing the mark and unleashing a verse that wasn’t so much inspiring as it was utterly aggressive, I have never heard the word “Peppy” being said like it was being used to summon some sort of demon
it just wasn’t a particularly cute verse, although I did love her look – maybe save the hair which was veering into the Arantxa Castilla la Mancha bangs territory
which is a dubious place to hang out.
But to be fair to Jan, the inspiringness of the queens’ various verses was debatable, WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN EUREKA?
Kim, people are dying.
Save for her pandemic chatter, I did like Eureka’s verse – the line about her potato shoes damn near killed me and I personally loved that she was dressed as a sort of Klaus Nomi version of Gotham crime lord, The Penguin
and of course because this is Eureka, she got a high kick and some splits in there because she hasn’t had the opportunity to show them off in a lipsync yet
I’m genuinely surprised that this whole routine wasn’t filled with more stuns considering Kylie, Trinity, Ra’Jah and Eureka pretty much had free rein to do whatever they wanted considering they allegedly all choreo’d this themselves… (They absolutely didn’t and why the show tries to make us think they did is BEYOND me.) Although had they gone all out and showed off their dance abilities I have no doubt in my mind that they would have been fully Elektra Shock’d and accused of pulling a Beyoncé despite the fact this wasn’t even judged as teams in the end. WHAT WAS THE ACTUAL POINT, MA’AM?
Ginger had a similar vibe to Eureka and while I liked the humour of her verse and thought hers made the most sense, her look left A LOT to be desired
it’s like Jem from Jem and the Holograms had a baby with any one of the Garbage Pail Kids – I do not understand what she could possibly have been thinking? Mostly because it’s making her look like she’s wearing a diaper!
The best looks (and arguably verses) of the night went to Trinity and Ra’jah who were fully serving at 100
Are we maybe a little bored of the holographic corsets? Yes, but when it looks this good against Ra’Jah’s skin tone, I’m not gonna even pretend to be mad at it. The boots however were a mistake, loathe as I am to agree with Michelle Visage on anything but they would have been better in purple and so Trinity did just edge her out with a more complete and well rounded aesthetic. Also, this wig is hilariously good
nothing does it for me quite like a flat-ironed emo fringe and a massive puffy afro at the back – a truly winning combination.
The struggle-bus of the group was clearly Pandora, although considering that her dancing during the ENTIRELY LEGITIMATE CHOREOGRAPHY SESSION was like that of the awkward loner at a school disco, she didn’t do *that* badly
it was just a little unfortunate that her verse didn’t really have much meat to it because she spent 60% of it somehow laughing out of tune – but I did really like the look she chose
It’s a really cute 80s retro look.
The only person who really saw the opportunity to get on Ru’s good side this episode was Kylie who wove a wonderful tale about how Ru inspired her so much by merely writing “self-love” in a promotional 2010 calendar to which Ru showed absolutely no emotion and merely stood there looking like an armchair that had been turned into a vampire
as far as her verse went, I’m not sure I could tell you much about it – to be honest none of these verses are going to be going around your head for days afterwards, I took notes and I can’t remember a single word that most of them said. I liked the look though
who doesn’t love a flouncy skirt? I think the wig could do with a little more volume up top, it’s very… squished at the moment but truly those boots are The Moment. I do a little bit wish she had worn whatever the Hell this bouncy castle Catwoman outfit was though
if she doesn’t don it by the end of the season I will RIOT.
Tropic Like It’s Hot
The runway prompt for this episode was Hot Tropics and I expected a lot more beachwear than we actually got – which is nice that the queens were a little more creative and also weird that Jan pondered “What’s more tropical than the Jersey Shore?”
To which the answer is Just About Literally Everything.
It’s a cute look though – I don’t really think she needed to have the bag as well, it was a little inelegant amongst everything else – she says as though a novelty palm tree cocktail glass is the height of sophistication but you know what I mean. I hope. The wig is also a feat and props to her neck strength and the pop of yellow from the nails adds a nice focal point to the look, although can you imagine the extraness if she had matched them perfectly to the fabric?
Next was Pandora in what is absolutely Pandora’s best look to date
I wish she had maybe been a little braver with her eye makeup, she seems to only do this very heavy smoky eye and I think there was room here to add a little pop of colour and be slightly more free. As for the dress, sure it’s a little like something your grandmother might buy as Jacques Vert for a summer wedding but I think Pandora pulls it off and the wig is divine in all of its Paloma Faith trying to hard glory.
Ra’Jah was next doing what Ra’Jah does best with her very wearable fashion choices
she looks phenomenal, I think my only complaint was that because her body was glowing and the tights she was wearing were quite matte, it was a little disjointed but it’s such a minor quibble to have with a drag queen and I don’t really care BECAUSE LOOK AT HER
file this under Best Wigs To Grace Drag Race please.
Trinity was next and if Drag Race España had you worried about the pheasant feather supplies of the world, Trinity surely finished them off because she went Full Carnival
I’m honestly shocked that we’re like 92684 seasons into the global franchise at this point and nowhere has done a Carnival themed runway. Although after this absolute serve, maybe we just nix that idea completely.
Next was Eureka who just dressed as a beachball
It’s a very cute look and for a campy look from Eureka surprisingly toned down – season 10 Eureka would have had it inflate until it burst to shower everyone with fish-shaped confetti while she screamed “Eureka! You found it!” This time, she just had a pretty neat wig
a Post-loaf world is a good world.
Ginger had much the same approach as Jan and was maybe marginally less successful in pulling it off
That being said, the wig is absolutely gorgeous – the glitter strands in it really showed up phenomenally on the runway. I think with the outfit, a more plunging neckline would really have helped, or if the sleeves had been tapered in such a way that you could still see her hands because it’s a little solid up top. The fabric was stunning in motion though.
Lastly we have Kylie doing as Kylie does, showing a truly inspirational dedication to body glitter
I really love this look, I do wish the feathers had a little more direction to them but the different textures, patterns and shades of green are utterly sublime.
A Hot Tropics Runway Ranking
- Trinity Karnival Bonet
- Kylie’s Snakeskin Parrot
- Pandora’s Vintage Jet-setter
- Ra’Jah’s Wearable Resortwear
- Eureka, The Well Pitched Beachball
- The Jan-sey Shore
- Ginger’s Beachy Housecoat
With all that said and done, it was a pretty clear top 2 between Ra’Jah and Trinity with Ginger just being squeaked out because her looks fell just that little bit short. Trinity ends up as the winner all because of a pair of mink coloured boots – which is incredible in its camp melodrama and I will now be writing an exaggerated teleplay about them. The bottom two is also quite obviously between Jan and Pandora – this being Jan’s third time in the bottom which I’m sure had her sweating a little bit as she tried to nudge that damned abacus under the couch.
Alexis Ma-TIE-o Returneth
Well this was certainly a final act for the books, not least of all because we get to see the absolute radiant joy that is Alexis Mateo doing a lipsync to a J. Lo number while looking resplendent in this sorbet shade of orange
Also, the reveal of her gave me one of my favourite Drag Race assassin speculation soundbites
Where is Madam LaQueer and her oinkle?
I was intrigued as to why Alexis had chosen to wear a gown for what is clearly a dance number and really I should have seen the reveal coming but in a rare instance on Drag Race, I didn’t
and really once Alexis Mateo begins doing those cha cha steps in glittery fringe you’ve damn well lost
Trinity tried though and she looked gorgeous
as correct and stunning as that wig is, it sadly had other plans as far as the lipsync was concerned
if only it had the strength of the safety pin that was holding her entire outfit together
truly that safety pin is the MVP of the episode, Condragulations Saph T. Pinn, you are the winner of this challenge.
It was very much a win for Alexis, Trinity didn’t quite manage to pull off the wig fiasco as purposeful so I can’t really begrudge it and it also gave us some divine drama the likes of which Aristotle would be envious of. Alexis reveals the lipstick of the eliminated queen and it’s Pandora’s – which has Jan shocked and visibly EXTREMELY relieved that she survived a 3rd time in the bottom
Sweet summer child.
Alexis has a trick up her… tights though as she has a second lipstick! Eagerly and joyously revealing that it was a tie which gives Jan a sudden case of The Jean Greys
which does at least mean we finally get to learn what would happen in a tie situation! Unfortunately it isn’t nearly as silly and dramatic as I wanted it to be. Personally I wanted it to become a lipsync for your life situation in which either the judges take back control or all the queens just have to vote again. Sadly all that happens is we divert back to the Top All Star’s choice of lipstick meaning Trinity gets the deciding vote and we find out Jan is eliminated
RuPaul was hellbent on crushing Jan’s spirit and making her think she had survived her third time in the bottom and then being eliminated anyway (IN A GIRL GROUP CHALLENGE) is going to have finished her off for sure – and her Twitter presence seems to confirm as much.
And so 6 All Star Queens remain…
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