The Jaws reboot looks really good!
After a few episodes of what seemed like mostly sensible judging, it was about time that we returned to our normal schedule of Judging For The Sake of the Narrative. Also, there be sharks in these waters.
A Near Miss
I genuinely wonder what they would do if it had been 5 votes for Silky and 5 for A’keria because at 6 for Silky and 4 for A’keria it was a narrow escape for the latter, who seems to be realising her fate as a filler queen in much the same way Farrah Moan did in Season 9 – although with a lot less whining.
It does mean of course that 3 of the remaining queens obviously voted for A’keria with it being revealed to be Eureka, Ginger and surprisingly Ra’Jah – although at least she’s not stupid enough to have given a pass to both her season 11 sisters and thrown the dagger and Jan and Ginger, the former of which is living in some kind of Valentina-esque bespoke coffee fantasy in which she and Ginger were morally not “lipstick eligible”.
As for Ginger’s reasons for voting for A’keria rather than Silky, apparently Silky’s talent show performance was “so strong”…. Honey, she was in the bottom 3 – she and A’keria literally had the exact same track record as of this episode.
Anyway, Werk Room Fashion Update
A serve from Trinity K Bonet and this blog is now solely dedicated to preserving the majesty of Kylie’s fluffy hat
Someone wore something quite similar to my cousin’s wedding, with a matching handbag and she just looked like a very well to do Ostrich, which is exactly what you want at a wedding.
Half Effort
Skipping a mini challenge again, we’re straight into the maxi which this week is for the queens to put on their own halftime show performances for the Super Bowl except nobody can say “Super Bowl” because Paramount+ couldn’t afford the clearance rights so it’s just “The Big Game With The Touch Downs”.
This challenge was very weird and bad – the queens had absolutely no creative input into it because they had to look exactly like the halftime performer they were imitating, they were lipsyncing to a cover of a RuPaul song in vague style of their chosen performer’s song and had to do just about the same choreography – save for a complete blanket ban on Shakira’s X arms – but Eureka still got to do her high kicks despite being Madonna
I don’t really understand why Eureka placed so highly in this episode – the costume is immaculately made – and it should be, she has HBO money. It just didn’t embody the Madonna halftime show for me – which I get is hard given she was allowed a total of 2 dancers and whatever feather dusters they could wrangle in time.
On the topic of Eureka, I did enjoy that they dressed up as Megazord in the Werk Room
and there we have our Irrelevant Media Reference for the episode.
Speaking of Irrelevant Media References, here’s Pandor- ARIADNE! STOP IT! THAT’S MEAN. It’s not her fault, the edit has basically rendered her as a ghost, just showing up occasionally to prove she exists by doing her, as usual, uncanny Carol Channing bit
this was a really fun performance and while the choreography was as demanding as you’d expect for a Carol Channing performance, it’s the most memorable of all the songs, and I got a real kick out of her dancers – something about men in underwear doing wacky stage musical dancing gets me
I will protect them with my life.
The absolute best performance of the lot was Trinity K Bonet as Beyoncé, and when I say “as Beyoncé”, I mean she BECAME Beyoncé
She hit every beat perfectly, she had the attitude nailed down – the only thing missing from the performance was having Michelle Williams cannoned onto the stage and landing perfectly in 4 inch heels
Poor Michelle, who?
The judges disagree with my very correct opinion though and thought Jan was the pack leader despite the fact her wig seemed to have a vendetta against her, which to be fair is very Lady Gaga
Jan was out for blood this episode, or at least vengeance for her apparent robbery in the Madonna Rusical (the only robbery was of Crystal Methyd). And she was feeling particularly confident because of her spiritual connection to Gaga because she’s from an Italian family, went to Catholic school and does musical theatre. Honey, you just described 80% of New York. I did love that while waxing lyrical about the things she, Lady Gaga and 4 million other people have in common, she was wearing the wig and she just looked like Joe Dirt to me
I’m treating you to two irrelevant media references this week, I hope you saved room.
Her choreography was mostly ok and she did have the Gaga-ness of it all down and of course she briefly went Full PhiPhi O’Hara’s Snatch Game which was the most inelegant of choices this evening made mostly worse by this camera angle
and that’s saying something considering Ginger Minj had to tentatively navigate some stairs while being very uncomfortable as Fergie. Ginger’s was the most lacking of the performances, and I would really like to know if anyone on the production team pitched the idea of having Ginger Minj wet herself on stage as a nod to that infamously awful moment.
Her makeup was good though
I apologise to Ginger, but that is literally the only close up of her makeup that isn’t weirdly misted up. But she did look pretty when she didn’t look like she was choking on a horsefly.
Ra’Jah had big boots to fill with her Diana Ross impression, both because Ru will gun down any queen who dares sully her and Bebe already did her on All Stars 3 and it was phenomenal
so Ra’Jah was naturally taking the extra precautions and making sure there were no visible nasal hairs because Miss Ross WOULD NEVER
There was so much Werk Room nonsense this week (most of it involving Ra’jah) and I love it, it’s really nice to see the queens just clowning around with one another.
And Ra’Jah’s Diana Ross was also really, really good – I mean the wig alone should have put her in the top
It was certainly one of the better cover versions too and she had a lot of fun fake ad-libs to ham up too.
I was surprised we didn’t get more of a storyline with Scarlet and her performance because, lest we forget, she was eliminated in the Draglympics dance challenge in season 11 because she could barely move without falling over
and then A’keria was really playing up her lack of dance ability despite the fact she won the same Goddamn challenge – mostly for twerking like she had bills to pay
which fair enough, maybe isn’t the most transferable skill to doing a Prince impersonation but I still think A’keria did really quite well this challenge and she looked really good
The movements were maybe a little tentative, but guys… she had been saddled with a guitar around her waist, give a queen some slack.
As for Scarlet – there was a VAST improvement and she managed to stay upright the entire time! It still wasn’t great, but I think that was more because it was the least “accurate” of the lot, it really didn’t sound anything like Katy Perry, it was more like Anna Kendrick in Pitch Perfect. Scarlet must be furious that Lana del Rey hasn’t had a halftime show appearance yet or else she would have been golden, she could turn up out of drag and still potentially win a Lana del Rey impersonation contest. Or is this me and Pandora Boxx always look like Bette Davis again?
It was still cute though and worth doing just to have her swanning around the studio in her Left Shark costume
The fact it is covered in rhinestones is what puts it over the edge, Scarlet really is a treasure.
Yara also struggled a little bit, not so much with the choreography as she did with Jamal Sims’s no Shakira knowledge mouth and the very moment she said “Well, Shakira would do this!” and they played the shade rattle, we all knew she was a goner. That and the fact her Shakira outfit had more frills than her frilled runway
she does look incredible all the time though, even as a sexy Victorian urchin
And lastly we have Kylie who was being a drag king for the day as an all too good Steven Tyler
there was absolutely no choreography for her to do but you know, she was very good at standing up and spinning around once. It takes a lot of effort to wrangle that microphone stand and an entire clown’s pocket worth scarves.
A Halftime Show Ranking
- Trinity K Bonet IS Beyoncé
- Justice For Ra’Jah’s Diana Ross Wig
- The Revival of Carol Channing
- Jan as PhiPhi O’Hara as Lady Gaga
- Kylie’s Feral Scarf Salesman
- A’keria’s Bogged Down Guitar
- Scarlet’s Left Shark
- Eureka’s High-kickin’ Madonna
- Yara’s Anatomically Correct Shakira
- Ginger’s Tentative Fergie
License to Frill
The runway theme this week was for the queens to wear as many frills as they possibly could, which did largely result in mostly a repeat of the Tulle and Lamé runways from season 12 but pretty much everyone looked really good!
First out of the gate was Ginger Minj in what is unabashedly the best thing she has ever worn on the runway
is it a little too twee and almost nauseatingly girlish? Yes, absolutely but it moved so well on the runway and her makeup is beautiful, which as we have established is difficult this season because they’re lighting them like this is a Guantanamo interrogation.
Eureka was next and in true Eureka style had a reveal that I absolutely refuse to call a reveal
And the way Carson gasped… a theatre coat check-in must be a real blast for him.
As for Eureka’s actual outfit, I liked it
it has a very late 90s, early 2000s charm to it with the baby pink, the frosted lip and the slightly crimped hair. The top is a little plain and does look a bit like a wetsuit that Penelope Pitstop would wear on a very special summer episode of Wacky Racers but it’s not bad and the tightness counteracts the ruffled chaps which are just a work of genius.
Nothing brought me more joy on this runway than Ra’Jah explaining her dress in her voiceover and realising she had completely forgotten the plot of Cinderella and tying herself in knots about “The fairy princess makeover dress”
She looks like a dream though – remember how Rosé kept trying to do ruffled arms? Well, I guess THIS is how you do ’em.
And now for Yara Sofia who seems to have misunderstood the assignment and just showed up as one of the windmills that Don Quixote tried to fight
her logic was that “frills relate to the movie gone with the wind, and so I dressed up as a windmill” which is some 7 degrees of Kevin Bacon logic.
As for the look, the dress is a bit whatever but God I love it when Yara just does something batshit with her wigs, so I’m glad we got something like this before she was eliminated, it would have been a travesty otherwise.
Scarlet Envy was next and going for Dior with her ode to beige
I want to like this more than I do and I think it’s purely about the ruffled Kim Woodburn gloves because everything else is pure magic.
Kylie was doing as Kylie does and looked freaking gorgeous
It’s not the most wildly inventive use of ruffles we’ve ever seen in the world but nor can I be mad at anyone that just wants to dress up like a jellyfish princess for the evening.
Taking us on a temporary break from *insert whimsical creature here* Princess, is Jan who just decided she wanted to dress up as a saloon girl because she’s not-like-the-other-girls
this is stunning though and her face is IMMACULATE – she really suits these slightly darker, perhaps a little more mature looks. They’re certainly more interesting.
And now we return to the world of saccharine twee as Pandora seems to be dressed up as the seven year old daughter of some monarch from the Christmas Prince Universe
I think there’s just a little too much going on in weird places – like the shoulders and the waist are strange spots to really bulk out with ruffles. I’m just really not a fan of it, but I like the wig and hairpiece!
Trinity K Bonet went Full Pageant and lord help you when a pageant queens decides to go Full Pageant
Are the ruffles a little more understated? Yeah, sure. But they’re there and I think there’s an elegance and a simplicity to her outfit that really set it apart from the others, and this is the best her makeup has looked on the runway! Also, RIP her earlobes.
On entirely the other end of the spectrum, A’keria came out looking like Triangle Head from Silent Hill in drag
and you’ll never guess, but it was a reveal
This costume is amazing and I am SO MAD that she was in the bottom after wearing this and doing a perfectly good job in the actual performance. It’s infuriating because she’s such a good queen.
A “The Frill of it All” Runway Ranking
- A’keria’s Blooming Marvellous
- The Wildest Jan in the West
- Trinity’s Pure Pageantry
- Ra’Jah’s Abridged Cinderella Story
- Kylie’s Princess Jellyfish
- Scarlet Envy’s Beige Day Out
- Eureka’s “Reveal”
- Ginger Bo Peep
- Pandora Boxx Just Looking Like a Toddler, No Big Deal
- Yara Sofia The Fearsome Windmill
The official judging of this episode was very weird to me because Eureka, for me at least, was absolutely in the bottom 3 and yet they had her in the tops. As for my bottom two it is WILD to me that Ginger managed to escape it and yet A’keria was lumped down there despite looking like Audrey II on her Vegas tour – WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM A QUEEN?. Also, Trinity K Bonet was the obvious winner but I suppose The Jan Narrative is in full swing so she was kind of lobbed a win. Alongside A’keria, it’s Yara in the bottom, which was probably fair.
#FreeBritney
Well lads, after 3 incredible lipsyncs, it was only a matter of time before we got one hell of a dud. I’m still trying to work out why Jan chose this sort of jazzy red swing number for a lipsync to Womanizer when she has a seemingly limitless wardrobe of popstar two pieces in her wardrobe
and then even weirder that she was going to play the whole thing as Pandora Boxx during her talent show performance
also maybe not the best time to air a Britney Spears lipsync where the whole gimmick is that you look a little crazy…
And of course we got the classic Jan Family Death Flop
She and Rosé seem determined to put a hole in that stage using nothing but their spinal cords.
As for her opponent
When I tell you I SCREAMED that Jessica “I lub dis drink” Wild was back, I mean I broke the decibel scale
I’m hoping this is a steady re-introduction to her and her run on All Stars 7, beginning this October! (probably). And she turned a storm on that stage
it was a little scattered and quite messy – Wild by name, wild by nature but it was a clear win for Jessica and unfortunately because Yara refused to grovel and beg for a place in the competition Jessica had to send her best friend packing
it was a completely unanimous decision amongst the queens, and I think a lot of it might be due to Yara’s lackadaisical Werk Room attitude, but it is interesting that Jan’s choice was A’keria.
I’ll miss Yara, mostly because of her wigs but also for the seemingly involuntary vocalisations.
And so, 9 All Star Queens Remain
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