All Stars 5, Episode 4 Recap: Straight-douche Drag

corona virus drag

Miss Corona Virus for Season 13!

When the Shea Hits the Fan

We return to the queens ceremoniously counting out the lipsticks from the ballot box and everyone is a little shocked that 2 of the queens voted for Shea, even Mayhem is a little surprised and she voted for Shea

mayhem backfired

I almost wish she and Alexis had refused to won up to voting for Shea because that would really put the cat amongst the pigeons and with Shangela, the Nancy Drew of Drag, absent the mystery would go unsolved for WEEKS! The best thing though is Alexis and Mayhem both saying they couldn’t POSSIBLY vote for Mariah and Shea just burning holes into their heads with her mind because India is RIGHT THERE

shea hates you

But apparently they don’t think India deserved to be in the bottom so she wasn’t in the equation for anyone. HOW?  How can you possibly think that, SHE WAS DRESSED AS A COUCH. Shea being the mature queen she is doesn’t let it get to her and just

shea voted mayhem

Oh. Nevermind. I mean, fair?

The Crackening 3: Beyond Thunderdome

cracker not trust

It was a filler episode in terms of drama with our only real tension coming from Cracker confronting Blair about a rumour started by Alexis that she and Mayhem are plotting against Cracker in some sort of Nights Watch vs Jon Snow betrayal (Blair is Olly obviously). This pretty much blindsides Blair as much as everyone else:

blair wtf

Keep in mind there are no actual receipts of this conversation EVER happening unless you read far too much into Blair and Mayhem having a whale of a time without Cracker – and Alexis is absolutely stirring shit up at the hotel diner and watching Cracker spiral out of control and burn every last bridge she might have, because you know nobody is saving her the second she lands in the bottom two – especially if it’s alongside India Ferrah who has apparently done a deal with the devil and can never be eliminated.

WHERE. ARE. THE. JOKES.

Oh boy, another improv challenge, we love those right?

mayhem reaction

This was a particularly bad outing for it though. The queens are separated into three teams to enact TMZ style paparazzi skits:

College Admissions Scandal: Cracker, Blair and Jujubee
The “Real” Housewives: Shea and Alexis
Shoplifting Queens: Mayhem and India

In theory this is a good idea where it fails is the show being too afraid to just make them be the actual celebrities – that and how quickly they just descend into rampant chaos – albeit props to them for not having a single fart joke! This is character growth and we love to see it.

The highlights of the challenge are few and far between, Alexis prancing about shrieking in that voice only she can do while a burger sits perched between her tits

alexis burger tits

and Cracker looking out of the window

cracker looking out window

The sign has a certain irony to it – lest we forget Cracker wrote an article in defence of stealthing… The rest of the queens sort of muddled around, casting sideways glances to one another silently begging the scene not to die. None more so than Blair who just hovered in the background of Cracker and Jujubee chewing the scenery looking like the ghost of Serena Van der Woodsen

blair improv

How she wasn’t in the bottom I cannot tell you – and don’t tell me it was because of her runway because India Ferrah’s was just as good and her performance in the challenge at least felt necessary to the scene? WHY WAS BLAIR’S CHARACTER EVEN THERE? I’m not going to pretend that India and Mayhem’s skit was a wealth of comedy talent – the bizarre switch from an argument about theft to licking things was just confused_math_lady.gif. And the fact India got down on all fours and licked glass only to be in the bottom 2

india licking glass

KILLS ME – I can’t wait for her to go full Fatal Attraction – it’s really race between her and Cracker as to who is going to snap first.

I think a large part of the problem was how the skits were broken up and interrupted by the Queens having a go at straight-douche drag? Was that the aim? They were behaving like it was but Blair just looked more femme than she ever has out of drag

blair shemz

It was cringe, it was weird and I hated it.

To The Mainstage

rupaul mainstage

Anyone fancy a packet of crisps?

Joining us this week is Sarah Hyland

sarah hyland

Who was actually a good judge, I fully expected an “I’m so into voguing right now” moment from her and I was pleasantly surprised by how much actual critique and advice she was able to offer. She can come back.

Camo Couture

The Hunters

camo alexis

This gown was perfection, they way that fabric moved when she swept it around took my breath away, and the makeup is so well incorporated  – and a real departure from what we usually see from Alexis Mateo.

camo indnia

I’ll hand it to India she has brought some damn good looks, this has a real comic book villainess vibe to it AND THE MAKEUP! That liner could cut someone. We can burn the wig though, it looks a little bit thin, but I get what she was going for.

The Cam-okays

camo shea

My favourite part of this is her head and I wish she had gone more 1950s in her outfit but I cannot be mad at a pattern matched watering can.

camo blair

You know when you’ve been cast as a tree in a school play and you spend weeks thinking of how you can steal focus?

The Hunted

camo jujubee

Jujubee certainly has an aesthetic and it’s very glamorous but I think she’s going to need to really pull something big out or she’s going to plateau very soon. This is delightfully Troop Beverley Hills-esque though and we always appreciate that, the collar is a little wonky though.

camo mayhem

It’s safe, it’s a little boring but I’m with Sarah Hyland – the colour palette is really interesting and on her, it just looks very good, but it does lack a point of view.

camo cracker

I’m really trying to question my bias but this is awful right? Like the fit, the proportions, it’s bad? It looks like a first draft of an Ariana Grande touring outfit, and well we’re here we might as well address Carson’s bomb joke because YIKES MY DUDE.

She Looks Pretty Good For a Dead Bitch

cracker growl

So Cracker wins and she and the other queens have to hear both Mayhem and India make their cases and India wastes no time in just heaving Mayhem under that bus, like damn girl you could have softened the blow slightly. I would say that of the two Mayhem was the weakest but I’m still at a loss as to whose skit was actually the worst one but I feel like it wasn’t Mayhem and India’s? Could we not put everyone in the bottom for the awfulness of their She-MZ office straight-douche drag?

Cracker changes into her lipsync outfit and it is GORGEOUS:

cracker lipsync outfit

The colour palette is perfection, it shapes her well. See I’m not a monster? I can like things. And now it’s time to meet her lipsync assassin, and who could it be?

is that a personmorgan mcmichaels lipsync outfit

It’s Morgan McMichaels’ Cape!

They lipsync to Where Have You Been by Rihanna and it’s a great lipsync! For me, Morgan won the moment she twirled like an absolute pro in that fuck off massive cape

morgan cape

Meanwhile Cracker’s up stage doing some pretty limp duck walking

cracker duck walk

There were a few comedic interludes from both queens

morgan cracker crotchcracker head out

Cracker repeatedly poking her head out from back stage like a bit from The Muppets was quite amusing, if not only for the moment Morgan completely broke character ❤

I’m not sure it was THAT hard to pick 1 winner, Morgan did a better job at vibing with the song and I think won it hands down, but you know how Ru loves a comedic take so it’s a double win and two lipsticks get pulled. NOT THAT IT MATTERS BECAUSE INDIA FERRAH IS IMMUNE TO THIS FOR SOME REASON.

I’ll miss Mayhem, I think we all knew she was a filler queen but I would’ve liked to have seen more from her.

NEXT WEEK

snatch game of love

Oh God, we’re doing this again.

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