An afternoon of flower picking in The Dolomites is what my soul needs more than ever.

This episode could’ve been a very Italian email.

Mountain Men

I was tempted to skip recapping this episode and just add it as a footnote in the finale recap and focus my attention on planning a D&D session but then I decided I could distract my players for about half an hour with a 35 piece children’s puzzle and commit to my completionist run of MasterChef: The Professionals. Then I got sick for three days… But I really like Norbert Niederkofler who is simultaneously the most and least Italian man you’ve ever encountered

he’s a Jeff Goldblum variant that escaped containment.
Norbert’s whole culinary ethos, which he refers to as “Cooking The Mountain” is seasonality and cooking with only ingredients that can be sourced within the immediate area of his restaurant, Atelier Moessmer, in the Dolomites

Atelier Moessmer also holds the record for being the fastest restaurant to gain 3 Michelin Stars. HOWEVER, the context is that Norbert had been running a previous restaurant with 3 michelin stars which feels a little bit like he copied his own homework.

The three finalists were being taught how to “Cook the Mountain” with a masterclass from Norbert – the key pillars of which are a complete rejection of Olive Oil and Citrus, no waste and a refusal to employ a gardener

in order to learn Norbert’s €320-per-head mountain man lifestyle, they were given a three dish masterclass in which he taught them how to make a citrus-free tartar using sour apple, Catfish glazed in a homemade soy sauce and my personal favourite a Beetroot Gnocchi dish that Norbert calls his “Beetroot Garden” – now when most chefs title their dish as a garden, it’s an overly themed miniature allotment patch that you dig a candied baby carrot out of and call ~ingenious~ culinary theatre. Not Norbert. Not in The Mountain™ – his looks like you’ve just been served a string of anal beads

Prue Leith would wear this as a necklace.

Following the masterclass, the 3 of them were then taken out into the mountains with Norbert’s assistant, Mauro, for some extremely romantic wild herb and berry picking

the shots of them all walking into the distance with their little basket really did heal something inside of me

and once they’d finished plundering the mountain, they had to come back and cook a dish that adhered to the tenets of Norbert Niederkofler’s minor mountain-based religion. They did also have access to a mountainously presented larder

they weren’t exactly expecting Mark to go out and catch his very own Arctic Char – the Animal Crossing girlies know how annoying that can be

to avoid an sort of defamation – I want to stress that I do not know if Norbert Niederkofler sits on his char or not.

Mark had chosen to cure the Char in moss and serve it with a Beurre Blanc that had swapped the necessary lemon juice for sorrel stem to give it a citrus kick

of all of the, I think Mark did the best at trying to engage with Norbert’s point of view AND try something new with the beurre blanc. Gareth’s tartar made from the most daintily picked up rack of lamb you’ve ever seen

felt perhaps a little too similar to the tartar that Norbert demo’d in the masterclass

but also they only had like an hour of preptime and were being intimidated by the Italian peanut gallery the entire time

MAURO! You spent a lovely morning picking wildflowers with Luke and then you pull this face the entire time you watch him brush a singular skewered mushroom

Luke was maybe being the bravest, having chosen preserved pinecones and I know pinecone jam is very much A Thing, but they will always make me laugh because of the BBQ Hammers tiktok

Mark, you have the chance to be the first chef to make Marcus Wareing eat a hammer – you have to fulfil the mission that Johnnie Mountain started on Great British Menu

I was reminded about The Great Johnnie-ing of 2012 in which Johnnie Mountain stormed off after Baby Marcus Wareing scored his fish course a 2. And yes, Marcus Wareing obviously didn’t like or get along with Johnnie but Johnnie is also a certified Arse™ who deserved it a little bit. Also, the fish course had no fish in it so… I don’t know what he expected to happen?

Luke was muddling his way through the most of anyone, essentially just replacing the catfish in Norbert’s catfish demo with mushrooms and hoping that was enough

for a first draft, it was actually a perfectly fine dish, just maybe not that imaginative beyond being the only one to open the jar of pinecones. Ultimately, that’s my problem with a non-elimination episode, you all felt FAR too relaxed doing the bare minimum.

An Unofficial ~Cook The Mountain~ Dish Ranking:
1. Mark’s Char-cool Ceviche
2. Gareth’s Lamb BaaBaa
3. The Most Well Brushed Mushroom in Italy

Moessmer-izing

For their final act of accidental indentured servitude to Norbert Niederhofer, the finalists had to take on a lunchtime service. My favourite part of this entire episode (other than Mauro’s tragic love story) was when this mysterious woman in her neon peach suit and cunty little sunhat showed up and I thought “Who on earth is THIS diva behind Captain Birdseye?”

only for Monica to reveal herself like Carmen Sandiego

it takes very little to become unrecognisable to me and I got very excited in the note-taking process

Monica Cunty Hat is my drag name.

This service was a bit of an elevation on previous catering challenges as each of them was responsible for two dishes – one of the masterclass dishes Norbert showed off earlier and another of his paleolithic Italian offerings. Luke was in charge of the Fish Tartar and a Pine Butter Risotto

Norbert would appreciate it if you don’t ask him how he grew arborio rice in The Dolomites. It’s fine, he knows a guy – he’s the cousin of the clean-water catfish farmer, he’s Canadian, you wouldn’t know him. His name is… George Glass

HE GOES TO A DIFFERENT SCHOOL, OK?

Luke struggled the most, both with the dish and the scorching sexual chemistry between him and Mauro – This is my Heated Rivalry

KIIIIIIIISSSSSSSS!
He had a hard time getting the risotto right and I genuinely thought Mauro was going to have to guide him through the tweezing of the caviar pearls like the pottery wheel scene from Ghost

fascinating to note that the more michelin stars a chef gets, the less caviar gets used like a sequin on a drag queen’s Amazon bought bodysuit

Mark Donald was dishing out thrice that many for a third of the Michelin stars!

Mark’s Masterclass dish was the Beetroot Gnocchi dish, which was a first for Marcus

you can literally buy them in Tesco? The brand Rana makes them? I’m not saying they’re a patch on Norbert’s but you can pay £3.50 for a bag of them (£3 with a clubcard price!) And as a reward for engaging with Norbert’s mountain nonsense, Mark was allowed back on the grill and become Mr. Open-fire 2026

his first act as reigning champion of the barbecue pageant system being to flame grill a cow’s diaphragm (which Marcus made no noise about being his first)

it looks and sounds like an amazing cut of meat with everyone raving about how tender and soft it was, in part because of Mark’s very good cookery. In fact, I think Mark did the best at keeping his head above the water and not really having a struggle? Neither Luke or Gareth had a disaster (except Luke, when he gets home and his wife has some questions about Mauro) but they made a real point of Luke being mystified by a 4 ingredient risotto and Gareth being badgered by the most well moisturised man you’ve ever seen

he was doing the catfish dish and was in charge of the only dessert of the service – a take on Affogato made with Lupini Beans instead of coffee

it sounded incredible and Gareth did a really great job with it after being waylaid by the catfish, almost too good a job as Mauro watched on from the sidelines as his job was slowly stolen

he’s living the doomed Italian yaoi fantasy.