Mum, I frew up.

The chefs that waft together, stay together.

Going, Goring, Gone

We start Finals Week and the decider for who our final 3 would be with the Chefs’ Table – this time being held at The Goring which has got to be the hotel with the ugliest name – it’s very “The Shunting”

and the guests for this 4 course meal were of course a long list of renowned chefs including Cherish Finden and John Chantarasak who is trapped within the BBC Schedule like Jack Torrence at The Overlook Hotel

and Mark Donald has travelled just a little bit further than he had to for his scenic loch shots

As ever, the contestants would all be responsible with their own course and given 4 hours of prep time in lieu of making an underpaid sous chef peel the 100 tomatoes Mark had accidentally made himself responsible for

I can’t think that a confit tomato is worth this odyssian labour but while Mark tried his best to defeat the Lernaean Tomato Hydra, Gareth was in charge of the Miniature Main Course

Monica… that’s kind of just what a starter is? Especially in a fine dining restaurant where the concept of calamari isn’t allowed across the threshold like an uninvited vampire. Granted, I would not kick a main course portion of Gareth’s Beef Cheek starter out of bed

it got rave reviews from everyone – especially the addition of the Pickled Walnut and Beer and Onion purees with the necessary texture from the Crispy Sweetbread and its concerning internal texture

despite all visual evidence telling us otherwise, we do have to sing the song of my people: Sweetbreads Aren’t Testicles (Anymore).

Due to the fact that barbecuing would violate the air pollutions laws of central London, Mark was on the fish course to prevent any illicit barbecuing and as revenge he was going to make the executive producers pay by making them buy 3 boxes of lobsters

sometimes you remember that lobsters are biologically immortal and then you see one’s entire central nervous system end up in a stainless steel mixing bowl to be made into jam and you have to wonder what it did in a previous life

I reckon if I wear a labcoat I could convince that man who injects himself with his son’s blood only to look like a walking corpse in an effort to never age to start transfusing his brain with lobster grey matter

I call it a Lobsterbotomy.
Sometimes I think they should take this blog away from me.

Mark didn’t feel thrilled by the dish once he started sending it out, being thoroughly screwed over by The Goring’s awful crockery

he was probably being a little harsh on himself, most of the diners had no problem with having to eat it at a 45 degree angle or the cooking of the lobster, except of course John Chantarasak who has the most laser-focused palate in all the land if you don’t remember

and if you cook hogget, you owe him 15% of the praise you get

John, I like you and the way you nuked MasterChef’s Nebulous Asian Curry Sauces from space, but you do not own the concept of hogget! Luke was cooking it VERY differently, remember The Goring does not condone barbecuing within the hallowed halls of its Garden Dining Room lest you jeopardise the ~ebullience~ of their bartenders

adding “ebullient” to the list of words nobody is allowed to use to deacribe me in a news segment if I die tragically.
In the end Luke’s trio of hogget cuts – yeast-glazed belly, roasted loin and pulled neck served in a potato cigar was extremely well received by the diners and main judges alike

I don’t think Luke and I will ever really see eye-to-eye over food presentation because again this is just a collection of things having a corporate meeting around some sauce. Partly, I’m sure it’s to try and make a dish look more substantial that it actually is because there’s only marginally more on this plate than Gareth’s apparently-not-so-miniature-main-course. However, I can’t hate Luke by any means because the way he sat so uncomfortably on the fancy chairs <3

I have only ever seen this posture on a 6 year old in a dentist’s waiting room.

Seeing out the dinner was Caroline with a dessert consisting of a chocolate custard and two accompanying cherry components in the form of a White Cherry Ice Cream and a Kirsche Diplomat tuile cigar

this is stunning work and at this point I think is easily the best dish of the series so far? And you know it was good because Cherish Finden was caught trying to snipe a photo of it

it didn’t make the ‘gram though </3

A Chefs’ Table Dish Ranking:
1. Cherry’ished Memories
2. Gareth’s Premature Main Course
3. Luke’s Hogget Tax Meeting
4. Mark’s Contortionist Lobster

Location, Location, Location

In order to decide who the final three were, they all had to cook a dish inspired by home

and everyone did as was expected of them – least of all Mark, who wasted no time in running to his secret second family: the MasterChef Barbecue

and was FINALLY cooking the ribs that were promised

his dish was a take on a traditional Irish Stew that would ordinarily be thickened with Barley

it was a bloody good dish – that short rib with the oyster emulsion sounded incredible so Ireland better throw him that parade

that sound you can hear is the rapid rebranding Dublin Pride. The B in LGBT stands for Beef now.

Gareth was also doing a beef dish and going for a much more specific inspiration of the family farm, even using its hay to smoke his beef fillet

he and Mark were having a great time wafting around outside together

the wafting would be the only sweat Gareth was working up because as Luke threw an abundance of fish components at a plate to evoke the the 100 odd Fish and Chip Shops of Portsmouth

Gareth was taking the tried and true James Buckley approach of Three Things on a Plate – Hay-smoked Beef Fillet, Fondant Celeriac and a Girolles Cream Sauce

Luke, block your ears and look away because I’m about to be a massive hypocrite… I love this

do I think he maybe oversimplified it as he played pass-the-parcel with the recipe? Yeah, something green beyond the scattering of nasturtium leaves wouldn’t have detracted

BUT, it’s also a dish that is designed to be eaten together rather than, you know… two pieces of deep-fried seafood and an orbiting scallop waiting for ground control to tell it that it can land

I actually also really like Luke’s dish and do think this works better – I do still think it’s at least 2.5 dishes on the same plate but it’s an extremely good 2.5 dishes on the same plate?

Lastly we have Caroline who was doing a dessert, of which she has been incredibly successful with thus far in the competition with the Chef’s Table dish and the honey custard she did in the Signature Round

her inspiration was naturally Northern Brazil, with the key flavour being Cupuacu which according to Wikipedia tastes like a combination of “pear, banana, passion fruit and melon” which is a cursed fruit salad if I ever saw one

but much like Marcus attempting to pronounce “cupuacu” (he was in the trenches) Caroline’s final dessert was delivered with an apologetic mumble and a nervous glance to camera

it is unfortunately just… Not Great™ and will be added as evidence to my Caroline Theory in that throughout the competition she’s mostly been cooking things she’s cooked as part of her private menus for years (a fine tactic, I’m sure many do it) but the moment she’s had to make things to a more specific brief she’s noticeably struggled to stick the landing. As such, it doesn’t feel like she’s had her skill and culinary eye progress like some of the others. The judges were very kind about her Cupuacu Dessert – the only thing they really picked up on was the lack of textural interest. Marcus didn’t even honk like a tube station announcement over the gap in her tuile

Sometimes you just have to not mind the gap.

A Dish Inspired By Home Ranking:
1. Let’s Go Beef Trifle + Community
2. Three (Good) Things On a Plate
3. The Entire Chippy Menu, Please
4. I Didn’t Get To Ise My “One In a Brazilian” Joke

I do think the result of this was ultimately quite obvious but I do still think it’s such a shame to lose Caroline after she absolutely killed it at The Goring and I think it’s a shame we don’t get to see her final menu because I really want to know what George Lucas ate that one time

I really did have her as a dead cert for the final and thought I was going to end this episode watching Marcus, Mark and a barbecue reenacting the end to “Of Mice and Men”.