All Stars 5, Episode 3 Recap: Care Bear Hate Crime

cracker meltdown

Me after an entire week of “I’m in love with Daddy Jankee!” stuck in my head.

Hotel Empire Tycoon

The challenge this week is to a create a fantasy hotel suite in 3 teams randomly drawn by the producers before the show and for once believe them because if they hadn’t done it randomly they absolutely would have put Cracker and Alexis on the same team – damn that button bag! The teams are:

The Golden Gals: Shea, Cracker and Mariah

cracker shea mariah

Tiger King: Drag Me to Hell: Jujubee, India and Alexis

juju india and alexis

The Actual Golden Gals: Mayhem and Blair

blair and Mayhem

Most of the episode revolves around them planning their hotel themes with 2 of the teams falling quickly into place with their idea of a Golden Girls themed resort and a hotel suite made entirely of gold. Then there’s the last team in which Jujubee really pushes hard for an Alaskan wilderness themed room complete with a salmon river flowing through the middle of it and you know it’s purely because she has a winter-y themed look that she could pull out for it. The idea obviously goes down like a lead balloon

jujubee alaska

Alexis vetoes it and plugs for a warmer climate and what we end up with is a prelude to the inevitable Tiger King Rusical in Season 13

tiger king the rusical

I really love this challenge but I wish they focused more on the actual painting and decorating of the rooms, we get a lot of Jujubee (badly) smearing pureed Shrek on a wall and then Blair and Mayhem just giddily rejoicing over the fact they don’t have to work with at all Cracker this week

blair and mayhem prancing

it certainly payed off for them as they channelled the bizarre charm of Club 96 to create a sketch that Michelle could barely contain her laughter in. It was by far and away the best as a whole but nothing was quite as funny as Jujubee just sitting on a mattress eating a banana

jujubee eating a banana

The glamour – it reminds me of those SNL sketches of the ex-pornstars creating fake ads for luxury items in the hopes they get sent free stuff. Alexis manages a few good moments, whether they be on purpose or accidental remains up to debate

alexis what the hell

And then India kind of just disappears into the background and somehow makes a golden shower joke a bit boring – and how do you make that joke and not reference Queen and Legend Miss Jessica Wild? The disrespect! It’s fair to say Juju did all the heavy lifting in that team, although I’m not sure any of them did any physical lifting

cannot lift

Then lastly we have Mariah, Shea and Cracker who are mostly just very confident with how wonderful their sunset wall looks and that they managed to get banana leaf wallpaper

golden girls hotel room

It looks like something from a Changing Rooms makeover that destroys a friendship. They were so caught up in the aesthetic that they kind of forgot the jokes, or the jokes and references that were there weren’t punched up enough and fizzled out. The only bit I honestly laughed at was Mariah and her basket of Girthy Meats and Cheeses™

mariah chorizo

Just the lackadaisical rubbing of the chorizo on the guy’s chest kills me. Robbed queen.

The Crackening 2: Electric Booglaoo

After a reveal of a unanimous decision on Ongina being eliminated the queens are eager to know if this was Cracker’s Nefarious Plan™ coming to fruition or not. Cracker insists that she was merely trying to light a fire under Ongina’s ass she just “did it wrong” which, girl, why are you making it your job to light a fire under someone’s ass? Mayhem is having none of it and just openly laughs in Cracker’s face

mayhem laughing at cracker

I’m honestly entirely here for Mayhem calling bullshit – she certainly has a nose for it. Cracker then offers a milquetoast apology to the room at large and it’s rightfully pointed out by Alexis that the one person she really has to apologise to isn’t even in the room, although her lipstick message is apparently lingering around for awhile

ongina mirror message

Alexis and Cracker were never going to get along. Miz Cracker’s humour has always been compared to Manila Luzon, whether you agree with this comparison or not is up to you, and if you remember correctly Alexis HATED Manila with an absolute passion on Season 3

alexis hates manila

So these two were always going to butt heads and it certainly didn’t help when Alexis overheard Cracker talking about respecting certain queens and not hearing her own name in that, was a bit of a trigger – especially on an All Stars season where respect is kind of the rule of the game.

But what we’re absolutely not going to do is pretend that Alexis “Sherry Pie Just Wanted Some Ass” Mateo is the arbiter of truth, justice and morality, no matter how much I enjoyed Cracker’s mental wheels spinning so fast you could see smoke billowing out the moment she realised that Alexis had just heard every word she was saying

cracker blindsided

She knows that as soon as she is in the bottom she is a goner. As ever the heated exchange brings about my favourite form of Drag Race art, Queens in Half Drag Reacting To Things:

juju and india reactingjujubee reactingmayhem miller face

Mayhem looking like Blathers from Animal Crossing

The Main Stage

rupaul mainstage outfit

We are revoking RuPaul’s right to judge drag. It’s absolutely the worst thing she has ever worn, it’s a Care Bear hate crime.

The guest judges this week are Martin Lawrence Bullard (points if you know him) and Nicole Byer – both of whom took part in the hotel challenge and Nicole suffered the fate of anyone who comes in close contact with a drag queen or an oiled up male models, a great big honking smear of fake tan on your clothes:

michelle and nicole byer

Manage a Trio?:

The category for the runway this week is 3 looks in 1, or more accurately, Taking of a Coat and Ripping Off a Skirt.

The Tri-umphs

blair1blair2blair disco jumpsuit

Blair at least had a full theme and story going for hers and the transitions between each decade was smooth, do I wish the colour story had been more consistent? Yeah, sure. But what I mostly appreciated was the fact her final look was the best of the three and wasn’t just a leotard dance number.

Shea caterpillarShea mothshea final

Are we ever going to talk about how the word “crafty” is so often used to particularly criticise the outfits worn by black queens? And why is something looking homemade (which this doesn’t, what are you even talking about Ross) a bad thing? This is a great look and was presented amazingly! I don’t think the wing reveal quite worked or had the impact she wanted it to, I think one of them may have been broken but the biggest tragedy is nobody even mentions Jasmine Masters’ Edibles Induced Coccoon

cracker eggcracker long gowncracker leotard

The moment that great big Faberge Sheldon cosplay came out I was in love, it’s SO STUPID that it’s genius. The second gown was stunning, it reminds me of her feathered look from Season 10 – that rich blue and gold will always be a winning combination. The third outfit? Hard pass, I think there were better options to sell the Russian Heiress theme home than a synchronised swimmer who needs flotation aids.

The Tri-OK

alexis big topalexis ballerina lime greenalexis trapeze

I appreciate the concept and the commitment but in what world is that lime green dress EVER going to read as a ballerina? I also wish she had done something more with her makeup, it’s good and goes well with her final Nina West Pride Look, but it lacks the fun and whimsy of the circus. And the less we talk about that drawn on hair the better.

mariah fur lookmariah short blackmariah long black

Look, I know. Was that first reveal just taking off a coat? Absolutely yes BUT, it was also a distinctly different aesthetic to the outfit it revealed to, aided mainly by the RoboCop helmet she was wearing but the makeup underneath it really should have been more of a reveal, had she turned and slowly lifted that helmet to reveal her fucking amazing face? It could have been A Moment™.

jujubee witchjujubee santajujubee carrots

When she came out as a witch I was excited about the story she was going to tell, the plot twist I did not expect was for her to reveal it to the wife of a Mall Santa – that wig was a bad investment. But nothing quite filled my heart more than Jujubee strutting down the runway eating carrots.

The Third Rate

mayhem outfit 1mayhem bathing suit

Does she look an absolute knockout in that third look? Yes. Does taking off a coat and ripping off a skirt to a bathing suit really count as a reveal? Debatable. She also transitioned from the second to the third look so bloody quickly there is barely any footage of it!

india ferrah look 1india ferrah look 2india ferrah look 3

There is such a hilarious taste issue with India that I love it, this is objectively the worst set of outfits on the runway but did she manage to fulfil the brief of revealing to 3 different outfits? Yes, she did. Were they all incredibly ugly? OH GOD YES – like a three piece sofa suite.

Jujubee finally ends up with a main challenge win and the bottoms queens are India, Mariah and Shea. I personally feel like if you’re going to put 2 people from a team of 3 in the bottom, you might as well commit and put all three of them in – it’s not like Cracker had any WOW moments in the advert but I suppose the runway has to count for something, although I’m not sure it was THAT good to drag her out of the bottom.

Backstage India knows she is on the chopping block and my God does she pull out an Oscar winning performance

india begging

It is a Shakespearean monologue and clearly worked wonders because she only ends up getting one vote and it’s from Mariah! Which demon has she done a deal with because it seems to be working and I could use some of that right now. Mariah has a really great moment with Cracker, telling her how much she genuinely loved working with her, it doesn’t matter for shit though because Cracker still votes for her – HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? I’m so mad.

So the lipsync this week is to Juice by Lizzo and out comes Monet X Change

monet x change

one of my favourite queens of all time, even if she if currently on thin ice after the Meghan McCaine debacle, which she is trying to distance herself from THANK GOD. She’s here to redeem herself over the fact she was (wrongfully) eliminated after her Good As Hell lipsync against Kameron. It’s pretty much The Monet Show from the get, it’s not Jujubee’s genre AT ALL and Monet doing Lizzo songs is one of the world’s greatest joys, she looks amazing, she’s funny – it’s just perfectly suited to her so it’s no wonder she was the runaway success.

So Monet gets the honour of revealing that the queens have voted to eliminate Mariah

mariah leaving

Me too girl.

I’m really sad, Mariah is one of my favourites and I was hoping she would get to at least try and redeem her Snatch Game, but hey we’ll always have Mariah Aneglou.

NEXT WEEK:

blair crying

Mariah’s elimination is hitting some of the queens very hard.

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