Celebrity Masterchef 2018 – The Worst Dishes

So it’s all over and John Partridge has been declared our winner – which comes as a surprise to absolutely no one due to the fact he basically told everyone he had won during the press tour. But hey if he did win I’m glad he did it looking like a girl scout on a mission to kill.

john kilt

Peggy Carter would be proud.

But with every top there must be a bottom (*eye emoji*) and like with most celebrity editions of Masterchef oh boy are them some questionable choices made because it is quite clear that a lot of celebs don’t *really* do food and can barely grasp the basics of how to cook rice and speaking of rice, let’s kick this off:

Michelle Ackerley’s Bludgeon of Rice

MichelleRice

If you thought Jamie Oliver jerking rice would be the worst thing to happen to rice this year you would be absolutely wrong because Michelle Ackerley, through means unknown, managed to turn it into a weapon capable of delivering severe blunt force trauma.

Monty Panesar’s Thighs ‘n’ Omelette

Monty Omelette and chicken

Masterchef has a fraught relationship with the humble omelette – having seen it both turned into a Chocolate Omelette and the infamous Cod Cheek Omelette – WHICH WAS COOKED BY A PROFESSIONAL CHEF – so Monty decided to add to the ever growing list of Crime d’Oeuf by randomly serving it alongside lemon and herb chicken thighs. The only saving grace was the fact he didn’t serve his first attempt at an omelette because well…

Monty Omelette

Lisa Maxwell’s Cheddar Peppers and Vaguely Spiced Cauliflower

lisa cheese peppers

Speaking of fraught relationships – when it comes to the mass catering challenge the poor vegetarians of the world usually only have a choice of either stuffed peppers or a pasta bake and this series was no different. Except for the fact that the pepper would usually be stuffed with rice but Lisa decided that nope cheddar would be better! And well I would usually agree this was a massive no and they couldn’t give them away to anyone and seemingly drove the vegetarians to eat meat.

Carol Decker’s “Cheesecake”

Carol Cheesecake

Carol somehow managed to make a cheesecake made with actual proper cheesecake ingredients look like the frozen chia seed and protein shake lumps that Instagram “wellness” experts try to convince you is a cheesecake. Truly a culinary marvel.

Clara Amfo’s Cheeseless “Cheesecake”

Clara's plate of dessert

Clara Amfo went into the series with a plan: Make a Cheesecake. Unfortunately for her the invention test didn’t have any cream cheese but this didn’t deter her – it really should have – and so she ploughed on regardless reducing her would be cheesecake to a miscellaneous pink blob and 5 raspberry topped biscuit nipples. Oh and then she threw white chocolate buttons at it like a 7 year old at Pizza Hut’s unlimited ice cream factory.

Clara Amfo’s Floor Peaches and Sour Cream

clara peaches

Ok so yes, desserts weren’t Clara’s strong point, although arguably food isn’t Clara’s strong point in general after she served a jambalaya that sent black Twitter into a rage over her raw rice and sad shrimp swimming in a pool of lightly seasoned water. But her peaches were another testament to her “throw sweet things at a plate and hope for the best” style of desserts (I bet she could make a killer Eton Mess). although she did occasionally miss the plate and her peaches ended up on the floor and much of her time was eaten up by the aforementioned jambalaya that she barely had time to stir the sour cream.

Josh Cuthbert’s Folded Lettuce

Josh Lettuce Wraps

If there’s one thing you can guarantee with Masterchef it’s that anyone described as “a model” will be entirely unable to cook carbs and so we end up with things like prawns folded in a wilted lettuce leaf. Josh also just seemed to not really get food and in the mass catering round asked everyone if they would like gravy on their quiche. He made the semi-finals.

Martin Bayfield’s Primordial Soup

Martin Soup

Apparently this was very good and tasted amazing and yet I cannot get beyond the fact it looks like the first signs of life bobbing around in the early days of our mucus covered planet. Maybe I’m out of touch? No. It’s the kids that are out of touch.

Gemma Collins’ Cointreau Curry with a side of Crab in a Mango

Gemma Cointreau Curry

Gemma did the classic thing of initially making 2 dishes, although I’m really not sure we can call putting a tin of unseasoned crab on a mango “a dish” and was promptly told “We only want one dish”. “I’ll handle it!” she said. And how did she handle it you ask? Well she just served the CrabMango on the same plate as her curry. And speaking of her curry it was all going quite well, you can’t go wrong with a chickpea curry can you? Oh Wait…

Gemma Pouring Cointreau

… Yes that is Gemma Collins pouring what I believe to be just about an entire bottle of Cointreau into her curry.

Stefanie Reid’s Adipose Panna Cotta

stef panna cotta

Stef Reid, bless her heart, was this years So Dull They Forgot To Eliminate Her contestant, but also they had to make it up to her after teaming her up with Gemma Collins and almost sending her into an anxiety induced coma but really they couldn’t justify keeping her around any longer after she somehow created a panna cotta that was closer to a Doctor Who creature than an Italian dessert.

Lisa Maxwell’s Lobster and Raw Asparagus Is Not A Salad

lisa lobster

The challenge was “cook with your favourite ingredient” implying that you should choose something you can cook with. Lisa however pulled a Sasha Belle and misunderstood the assignment choosing something she likes to eat but has never cooked with – lobster. And so what we ended up with was a rather dry looking crustacean dissection, a saffron potato jumping jack and… raw asparagus and cherry tomatoes which she tried to pass off as a salad… Honey no.

Honourable Mention: Steak and Cheese

pro kitchen beef

I have seen Masterchef contestants ripped apart for lesser crimes than deciding to serve steak and a congealed cheese hat and yet this was served in the professional kitchen. THERE WEREN’T EVEN ANY CHIPS.

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