Yeah, their last few albums have been a little rough.

Do you like slop? Do you like jars? If so, you’re going to love Slop in a Jar!

Pair Bending

For this week’s pairs challenge, the teams were split into Alun Wyn guiding Ashley through Aloo Tikkis and Noreen trying her best to talk Alfie through her recipe for Falafels but ultimately asking him more questions than he asked her

these two descended into absolute chaos within the last 5 minutes because their falafel making was a bit of a disaster – Alfie having to bin his first attempt because he’d burnt it

and really, Noreen probably should’ve sacked hers off too because they looked like the contents of a ruminant’s third stomach

in fact hers and Alfie’s plates are a pretty good depiction of the stages of a cow’s digestive system given the lack of success in making Zhug – their bowls of anonymous green contents giving you no clue what Zhug should actually look like

granted, it’s very hard to make something you have no reference point for which is why Alfie Boe looked like he was having to do all of this at gunpoint

the biggest issue the other team faced was that Alun Wyn Jones wouldn’t talk loud enough

but they also had it significantly easier given that the aloo tikkis and the falafels were largely the same workload, they then only had accompaniments in their tamarind chutney and crispy chickpeas. I feel like they could’ve at least made them make a flatbread too

or I don’t know, throw in a mystery Zhug too.

A Two Course Race

Our last set of quarterfinal guest judges were Kadeena Cox, Craig Doyle finally showing his face and Amy Walsh who was there mostly to just swipe a meal for her mum

Kicking off the round was Ashley who was the only person doing a starter and was seemingly on a very unsuccessful mission to get eliminated as he piled prawns atop a barely warmed slice of Tesco Finest ciabatta and called it a bruschetta

Italy was getting a bit of a beating this episode with Noreen’s main course being advertised as Ravioli when all it was was ricotta wrapped in ribbons of courgette

this is profoundly evil work and I think need to get rid of it IMMEDIATELY. Just accept pasta is nice and allow yourself to enjoy it instead of incessantly trying to find carb-free alternatives. Why deny yourself this one joy in this singular lifetime you get? And as much I do consider Noreen Khan a wanted criminal for this drive-by shooting of Italian culture, I do think everyone was a little picky about the Strawberry Cheesecake

I don’t think it was *good* but it felt a lot like they’d decided they wanted her to go home instead of Ashley’s whose main course was Salmon and Pak Choi on completely dry noodles

he did get some bonus points for bringing the salmon back from the brink of disaster considering he hadn’t been cooking it so much as treating it to a lovely spa day in a sauna

and despite Ashley’s main course being just three things in a bowl, it’s still somehow more of a substantial meal than Alfie Boe’s Seared Tuna and Asian Miscellania

this would barely constitute a main course if he’d served the entire mixing bowl of vegetables on one plate

the least he could’ve done was throw some noodles in there? But everyone was just happy they could finally taste something after Noreen’s horrible courgette bags of ricotta.

Alfie’s dessert was a bit of a repeat of his Blood Orange Posset in the last episode, with a Raspberry Fool – if there’s one thing this man loves it’s slop in a jar

but at least he’d baked some biscuits on the side, Alun Wyn was really relying on baking bananas to constitute an adequate amount of cooking in this cookery competition

there is truly nothing more malevolent looking than a roasted banana, they just look alarmingly latexy. He was calling this a trifle – again, big night for Slop in a Jar, let’s hear it for Slop in a Jar!

they did have some questions as to whether this actually constitutes a trifle given there’s no sponge or jelly elements

and it was eventually decided it was more akin to a Tiramisu which is easier to slip in your pockets

once again Italy, I stand before you with a gift basket of apology muffins begging for your forgiveness. I’ll vote for you in Eurovisi- What’s that?

oh. Umm, I’ll…. stop mixing up the Irish and Italian flags on Sporcle quizzes?

A Two Course Menu Ranking:
1. The Steak I Forgot To Talk About
2. Raspberry Flavoured Slop In A Jar
3. Banana Flavoured Slop In A Jar
4. Alfie Boe’s Glorified Canapé
5. How Bad Can A Cheesecake Be, Michael?
6. A Severe Misunderstanding of Prawn Toast
7. Three Things In A Bowl and None Of It’s Sauce
8. Noreen Khan, The Evil Pasta Eliminationist

Really I think it ought to have been Ashley going home – Noreen at least TRIED something! All he seemed to be doing was trying to get eliminated and he couldn’t even do that!

I’ll miss you diva!