Live footage of Orla being struck by the idea of Chained Jeans, “Ch-eans”.

This recap is made out of vintage bridal quality raw ivory silk. Pleats optional.

Remember that brief couple of weeks where we thought that Sewing Bee had been quietly wrapped up in a carpet (with an appropriately big bow, of course) and thrown into the River Aire? Leaving me to sit gathering dust in The Recap Cave thinking “At least Celebrity MasterChef will start soon”…

and now we stand watching the 20 year old MasterChef Empire crumbling like that episode of Doctor Who where Rose Tyler gets to watch one of the seemingly many canonical heat deaths of universe because Gregg Wallace and John Torode apparently can’t critique a bowl of spaghetti without saying something racist and/or dropping their trousers

but as my Roman Empire does as a Roman Empire is want to do and we frantically shove it into that cupboard where Nigella Lawson keeps the spiralizer she never uses, Sewing Bee rears its head in a spangly outfit and continues in its new summer timeslot. PATRICK GRANT, I SWEAR TO GOD, ONE FOOT OUT OF LINE AND I WILL NOT HESITATE

There has been a slight change in line-up though as Sara Pascoe has returned, don’t worry, Kiell Smith-Bynoe is still an unproblematic king and we can safely watch the clips of him on Taskmaster without feeling like we need to pray about it

this entire series feels like it was produced like a Murder Mystery that we have to now solve. Our players on this extensive evening of theatrics, costumery and their roles of course being:

and now we enter Act One as we gather at The Haberdashery for a mysterious dinner and surprise post-meal seance! Glendora, knock three times if you can hear us!

Full Tie Frontal

After last year got off to a truly tragic start because everyone got betrayed by the Automatic Buttonholer That Did Anything Except Make Buttonholes, this year there was not a button nor haphazardly slashed buttonhole in sight as the sewers found themselves making Tie Front Blouses

the theme for the episode was loosely based around “giving garments shape” which meant the sewers had to be particularly careful with their choice of fabric because in this round you couldn’t sew 300 metres of interfacing into it, which is unfortunately what Glendora got dinged for with her blouse looking just a little bit slouchy

but her sewing was neat so it was a very respectable 4th place for her, just missing out on a podium finish to Gaynor’s Very Sensible Pre-Tornado Dorothy Gale Blouse

it perfectly straddles the line of being both something Dorothy Perkins would sell and something you could see on an out of focus background character in Lark Rise to Candleford that would have had the historical accuracy pedants on living museum forums up in arms for several days. Which feels very Gaynor, who is yet to embrace the imperial measurement system

YOU’LL HAVE TO PRY THE HALFPENNIES FROM HER COLD DEAD FINGERS!

Jess also went for a gingham, although hers was yellow, purple and slightly crispy as it lost a fight to her iron

and so although her blouse looked… fine? if a little ill-proportioned in terms of the bows, it got bumped into penultimate place because of this “big burn”

Esme and Patrick never actually critiqued her sewing, but it does feel like a *bit* of an overreaction to put her that low without further justification, especially when her blouse is next to Saffie’s last place finisher and its optional tie-on sleeves

Saffie very quickly realised that her very flowy fabric was probably not the *best* choice for this particular challenge however, she had kind of locked herself into it because she’d fought off Caz for it and the three and a half hour time limit just slipped through Saffie’s fingers much like her fabric kept doing repeatedly

leading to her tiger patterned blouse looking, perhaps appropriately, like it had lost a fight to a big cat

or Esme who is but a very big cat in a very little woman’s body

she’s hypoallergenic but she scratches up the mannequins something fierce.

Not getting the slippery tiger death trap, would ultimately be a very good thing for Caz, who instead ended up with this sort of BETA testing Pac-Man background fabric

it was a very well sewen garment and she was the only one really snapping at Kit’s heels for the top spot in this round because Gaynor’s was unfortunately just a thoroughly third place coded sensible upcycled wartime potato sack that your gran still talks about wearing in the Miss Carrot Fudge Pageant of 1941 – an essential cog in the Sewing Bee machine, I wouldn’t swap her for all the sugar rations in the world.

Ultimately Kit would win, both because their blouse was very well sewn but it also had more of a point of view than some of the others with the ribbons matching really well with the sort of ribbon pattern

it was just a very intelligently thought through garment. And they also deserved the win for showing a modicum of restraint given their homelife VT insert featured The Sexy Offspring of The Dogs from The Tweenies

What’s that old saying? “You wait your whole life for The Skanklets to return to Sewing Bee, and suddenly two show up at once”

the entire audience bracing for Orla to be Sensible Pascha 2.0: The Remix and Orla immediately turning out to be utterly deranged <3 <3 <3 I have never been more delighted by a sentence in my life

I want an entire tour of both Orla’s Wardrobe and whatever artistic bisexual commune Saffie and her partner have going on above their local Spar

I want to screen print shirts with niche queer references and play the sitar badly until I get an eviction notice!

Sadly Orla couldn’t find any bike chains to fashion into bows for her blouse so she had to play it a bit safe with yellow and contrasting white bows

it certainly deserved to land within the “I can see someone actually wearing this” portion of the leaderboard even if it was at the bottom of that particular category because I think Dan’s sixth place blouse looks a bit too much like the result of a Transformation Challenge featuring disposable surgical scrubs to be actual real life clothing

his fabric did actually have a bow print on it that got washed out from a distance

you know, just for Esme

I will now be pitching a roadtrip series of Dan and Esme going around the UK trying out various circus skills and… I don’t know, learning the history of lycra and trapeze costumes along the way?

GOD KNOWS THE BBC NEEDS SOMETHING TO COMMISION

the only other option is Sewing Bee: Jess’s Family Specifically

I have nothing but respect for this matriarchal sewing circle – nobody will ever make you a better dress or homemade madeira cake, the pattern and recipe of which are guarded religiously.

Rounding out the bottom three of Sleeves-optional Saffie and Flammable Liability Jess was Novello who at least had bragging rights amongst the three as not having added any unnecessary holes to her blouse. Instead she was critiqued for the fact her fabric just didn’t show off any of the design features of the blouse, save for the fact her bows looked like the bodies of locusts that had come off second best to a speeding car’s windshield and maybe stood out too much

and the judges had the audacity to say that Yasmin’s bows were too punching against her already punchy print?

I thought it was fine and that she was over-penalised on the grounds she came into the episode wearing a tie front blouse

because, even if it wouldn’t have changed much, I would maybe have swapped her position in the ranking with Dan at most and Stuart’s sensible Christmas blouse for women over 45 in 1983 for sure

I can’t explain it in any great detail but this looks like the sort of women’s garment that only a man makes – as explained by Patrick loving it and Esme immediately pointing out the tiniest tuck in his gathering with the ruthless sniper-like precision of a woman listing grounds for a divorce that she’s been keeping track of for 3 years

she’s gonna take your house and stamp collection, Stuart. RUN.

Lastly, we have Peter who I thought had a really lovely fabric choice but was just slightly let down by a bit of wonky sewing

again, I might have liked a little bit *more* of an explanation as to why Peter’s wonkus sewing was deemed better than Jess’s A Touch of Arson, but I do also understand that we had to make time for featuring Peter’s dog who he does have a very passing resemblance to

a distinct lack of pets in these VTs, YOU’RE ALL SLACKING.

An Official Tie Front Blouse Ranking:
1. Kit’s Ribbony McRibbonface Blouse
2. Caz’s Glitchy Arcade
3. Miss Carrot Fudge 1941
4. Glendora’s Relaxed Blouse
5. Orla’s Unchained Haberdashery
6. Dan’s Statement Surgical Scrubs
7. The Christmas of 1983 We Never Speak Of
8. JUSTICE FOR YASMIN
9. Peter’s Wonky Debut
10. Novello’s Ditzy Print Locust Swarm
11. A Touch of Arson
12. Saffie’s Sleeves: Optional Blouse

Going Round In Circle Skirts

The materials for this series’s inaugural Transformation Challenge were circle skirts, which can easily open up into a very generous amount of fabric

so really, nobody had any excuse to just make a slightly altered skirt. This however would not stop Novello from sort of just making a slightly different, higher tube

nor would this stop the judges from putting this in fifth place as the judging in a Transformation Challenge continues to be something of an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, stuffed inside Marcus’s muscular sausage casing

because Jess was sent packing all the way to twelfth place on the grounds that if Esme pulled hard enough on her peplummed halter top you’d end up flossing the twins

Jess seemed perplexed having not realised that passing The Esme Grope Test would be a requirement in this challenge

I do not believe for a second that Novello’s boob tube would withstand the gentlest of jogs around the sewing room lest it end up round your knees like a bolas. You gave these people 90 minutes to make something, I think you just have to just accept the ever-looming threat of a nipple. You just have to be okay with Gaynor’s cups being able to look in every direction at once like a chameleon

nothing is going to thrill me more than Gaynor’s journey of embracing nonsense: today, a bit of red trim on a dress like she’s costuming a Seventh Day Adventist Church’s production of The Scarlet Letter

tomorrow, realising that you can put someone in a crocodile costume and call it fashion, maybe

EMBRACE THE SIREN SONG OF THE SKANKLETS, GAYNOR!

Also falling short of the occasionally applied fitting rule, was Peter and his pair of Baby’s First Clown Trousers

there was some scepticism over whether you’d actually be able to put them on, to which I say – I WANT TO SEE SOMEONE WEARING CAZ’S BASE JUMPING DALMATIAN COSTUME

do I think it’s kind of cool and fun? Yes, it gives you the wingspan of a manta ray and those guys look like they’re always having fun

but I do believe that anyone that were to actually wear the DalManta-Raytian costume would look like someone had checked them into the world’s most whimsical insanitarium. Or, The Sewing Bee as we call it.
It was a good day for polka dots though as Yasmin came in second just behind Caz with her bow-fronted blouse

which was very good and also very funny because Stuart made a top that wasn’t a million miles removed from Yasmin’s and yet they stomped him right down to 8th

god bless this pillow slip with stomach cramp being Stuart’s One Good Idea™

the Sacrificial Straight Man is as important a cog in the Sewing Bee Machine as Gaynor’s reliable nan energy. I salute you for taking one for the team, Stuart. Although you might be able to hold off for the time being because someone’s gone rogue on the Sewing Bee by Numbers trajectory as Glendora started ambitiously making a pair of fully interfaced shorts

but had accidentally sewn an inbuilt erection into them so had to go lie down on the fainting couch for the rest of the episode

and if the completely Glendoraless preview of next week’s episode is to be an indicator, Glendora is potentially about to go join Bake Off’s Basketballing Boston Geoff in beautiful reality TV cryptiddom

I love you, Geoff. Wherever you are. You are my SailCat

just a scrungly little guy.

Dan continued to lure Esme into a box trap using various patterned fabrics as bait, this time using an identical tartan to the one that appeared to be trying to break free of the deckchair she was also wearing

in order to make this fun, a little sexy AND COMPLETELY SECURE, DON’T GRAB IT TOO HARD ESME! dress

Orla was also going with a tartan, to a much less successful degree because it looked just a bit like a festive prolapse

both Esme and Patrick oohed and ahhed over the use of tartan, an always charming fabric, however not even that was enough to place Orla’s effort higher than 11th. Which really just felt like more of an insult to Jess than Orla.

Lastly we have A Tale of Two Blouses – Saffie was mostly just doing the Pattern Challenge again, this time with even less sleeves but a more passable peplum

10th place – I’ve never laughed harder, something about it really tickled me, like a nefarious plan being foiled.

The last blouse and the beginning of the end of the haberdashery’s supply of interfacing, was Kit’s top that would have you walking around looking a little your boobs had been gift wrapped by the Duty Free Charbonnel et Walker store at Heathrow

this appeals to me in exactly the same way this insane outfit we were meant to believe was Parisian chic in 2010 does

Season 4 Blair Waldorf ran so Emily in Paris could flop.

An Official Circle Skirt Transformation Ranking:
1. Caz’s Thrill-seeking Perdita
2. Yasmin’s Bow Pandering
3. Kit’s £39.99 Box of Chocolates
4. Dan’s Tartan Bear Trap
5. Novello’s Slightly Smaller Tube
6. Gaynor’s A Scarlet Trimmer
7. Peter’s Bozo The Clown Jr.
8. Stuart’s Pillowcase with Stomach Cramp
9. Glendora’s Excited Shorts
10. Saffie’s Anti-sleeve Propaganda
11. Orla’s Merry Prolapse-mas
12. Jess’s Tiddie Floss

Pleat and Leave No Crumbs

For their last shape-based challenge and first Made to Measure, the sewers were having to utilise pleats in order to give their garments shape, structure, the semblance of a corporeal form. The judges were VERY clear about this

however, while SOME people can ignore the state of the economy and show up with a whole bolt of leftover bridal quality raw silk (Novello, they’re going to eat you…)

Gaynor knows the indicators of a recession and was going to give Patrick and Esme one pleat each and they were going to like it

so obviously both Esme and Patrick knew that with Glendora huffing smelling salts in the backroom, nobody was going to be sent home and so SOMEHOW they had to justify not giving anyone the boot – resulting in “the embroidery is nice, it’s a shame about… the everything else.”

If Gaynor has a million fans, then I’m one of them. If Gaynor has one fan, then I’m THAT ONE. If Gaynor has no fans, that means I’m dead.

Somehow, Gaynor’s two (2) pleats weren’t the least amount of pleats on display as someone had left the doors of the concept stable open and Kit was BOLTING with their David Bowie inspired pleat featuring a single diagonal pleat as a nod to the lightning bolt makeup, which is only one more pleat than Glendora who wasn’t even here did

it isn’t as crisp as it needed to be despite the model’s best attempt to hold it all in place but for a self-drafted pattern it’s… it’s at least worked better than Dan trying to backwards engineer the faintest memory of a bow his sister once tied a Christmas present that he doesn’t remember up with (it was a Lynx Africa gift set, wasn’t it?)

unfortunately he didn’t have the key to that particular room in the Mind Palace so the bow never really became a bow, so his model sort of just had a parasol sitting on her midriff like her hip wanted to be a bit coquettish during a Regency Period riverside promenade

as the judges wasted no time in pointing out – this isn’t *really* a pleated dress so much as a dress that’s been accosted by the vague concept of a pleat. SOMEHOW, this same critique wasn’t levied at Peter and his LBD with couture conchiglie pauldrons

don’t get me wrong, they’re very impressively made and I wouldn’t even know where to begin making such a thing, I would very much enjoy watching Dan try to backwards engineer the fancy pasta though. However, I just think that when Orla did something similar but *more* with her origami 60s inspired domino dress that incorporated the same intricate pleating and folding into both the sleeves and main body of the dress, she probably should’ve won

there’s so much technical work in this garment even beyond the pleating – the neatness of how the black and white pieces meet perfectly in the centre? Incredible, sewers have almost been sent home for attempting something similar and messing it up! Also, Peter summoned a Sam Sparro jumpscare from the depths of 2008 and I didn’t need to be reminded of my mortality like that

that song is almost 2 decades old. Someone hand me one of Gaynor’s sensible day dresses, I need to check myself on to a Saga Cruise to wistfully stare out over the ocean while an orchestral version of Florence and the Machine’s “What The Water Gave Me” plays.

Orla wasn’t the only one going for a very 60s vibe as we ended up with a 3 babydoll dress pile-up on the Sewing Bee highway with Jess, Stuart and Caz all using the same pattern but *slightly* differently. Caz’s big twist was ~denim~ and some very good statement overstitching

I both really liked this and also think it kind of just makes you look a bit like the best dressed 5 year old at the barn dance. Look, SOMEONE’S gotta serve looks and if it has to be little N’MaCkenzie (the first N is silent and the capitalisation depends on the day of the week and position of Ursa Major over Texas) then so be it.

Jess and Stuart both looked like they were dressing adults, however they were equally costume-y in different ways, as I think ends up being the case with a lot of 60’s and 70’s fashion. Stuart’s looked like it was ripped straight from the set of Austin Powers and you were about to get shot by a mammarial machine gun

it’s fun and sexy, but in a way that makes me feel a little uncomfortable and I don’t like it, even if I do really like that pleated collar detail! It’s all just very 30 Rock Post Verbal Sexy Baby

whereas Jess’s dates the production of this series so perfectly because I will bet you £200 this was inspired by Zendaya’s Bisexual Tennis Movie Press Tour Era

I too have always wanted to dress up as a sexy tennis ball. I do think her model makes this work better than it actually does – she’s radiant and probably the only rival for First Call Out in my own personal game of Sewing Bee’s Next Top Model alongside Saffie’s Model whose entire life felt like had led to this moment

clicking my nails together in appreciation, diva. I’ll be interested to see how much bespoke screen printed fabric we get from Saffie, I think it’s a really fun “gimmick” to have and certainly sets her apart and makes me excited for her future makes. But of course, Novello’s vault of luxury fabric leftovers is also a fun gimmick to have – I’m very excited for Korean Week when she reveals she just happens to have a bolt of Goreyan period silk produced by Queen Gyeonghwa’s personal, self-fed silkworm farm in 1097 that she once used to make a table runner for a slightly culturally insensitive Korean themed Christmas dinner

I love the ambition of Novello’s outfit and amongst some of the others, it is undeniably A Pleated Dress™, I wouldn’t have thought *that* was the hurdle we were having to jump this week but here we are. I just think it’s both a fabric and a garment that kind of deserve better than a 5 hour time limit and Sara Pascoe doing prop comedy

I think Saffie was just relieved that she stopped using the real clock after the first challenge

I want to see the Sewing Bee Clock’s rider demands. Grape skittles, a vinyl record of whale noises playing in the green room at all times and only the finest Energizer batteries recharged by a rare Mongolian hamster running on a wheel. Which are also Novello’s demands when she and her sewing machine fly first class to make a dress in Machu Picchu

very excited for the two of them to compete on the next series of Race Across The World.

Lastly we have Yasmin who was doing a nod to Vivienne Westwood, with grand ambitions of creating a flouncy micro-mini that would scandalise Gaynor into making a nun’s habit and checking herself into the Monastery of the Mónicas

smash cut to The Lily Cole We Have At Home wearing a dress short enough to feel ~alt~ but long enough to convince your mum to spend £45 at Blue Banana

this is absolutely one of my dream dresses – always wanted a tartan pleated mini dress, fully believe that at 33 years old I have passed the age of being able to wear one without it looking a little weird.

An Unofficial Pleated Garment Ranking:
1. Orla’s Folding of Time and Reality
2. Yasmin’s Pseudo-Westwood
3. Gender? I Hardly Know Her!
4. Peter’s Pasta Paladin
5. Novello’s Very Expensive Umbrella Stand
6. It’s Called “Post-verbal Fashion” Look It Up
7. The Best Dressed Toddler At The Hoedown
8. Kit’s Vague Allusion To The Homework
9. Jess’s Sexy Wimbledon Mascot
10. Dan’s Pleatzza Dress
11. Gaynor, The Two Pleat Wonder

As Glendora was ill and sat out the final challenge, nobody was going home – the person that this benefitted more than anyone else was probably Jess who was officially bottom two in the first challenges and I think would have at least landed in the bottom 3(?) for the Made to Measure, just beating Dan and Gaynor on a scale of ambition.

So the only real haberdashery bureaucracy to deal with was who got Garment of the Week (it should’ve been Orla, let’s be perfectly honest) however, I think the novelty of the Middle Class Dad doing something very creative in the first challenge was too powerful a siren song to resist

I liked Peter’s dress, I just think Orla did the same and more.

And so, we still have 12 sewers heading into Activewear Week… BUT FOR HOW LONG?