All Stars 5, Episode 5 Recap: Justin Bieber Garden Gnome

shea werk room outfit

Yes I will be pitching a Troop Beverley Hills reboot starring Shea Coulee as a troop leader and Blair St. Clair as a boy scout.

The Calm After the Mayhem:

Mayhem lipsticks

Well, we start off on a calm week as there is no drama over who voted for because everyone voted for Mayhem, including Mayhem herself – which she actually explained really well in her Whatcha Packin’ interview with Michelle Visage and I thoroughly suggest watching it HERE. I would also like to think she eliminated herself early because I cannot in my life see Mayhem pulling out a stellar Snatch Game performance (although could it have been as bad as India Ferrah’s because what can I say but YIKES.

Snatch Game of Love:

rupaul and jeffrey

I was apprehensive about them continuing this format but this year’s was miles better than last year’s attempt – the choices were smarter, it didn’t kick up any antisemitism discourse and there was no Gia Gunn level cringe, but boy did India Ferrah try to reach those lofty heights with her poorly timed Jeffree Star impersonation

india ferrah jeffree star

I never want to hear that “rap” ever again or her saying “I can grab you, we can fly so I can feed you this ice cream sandwich between my thighs“. I love that for some reason India just became fixated on the ice cream question she was asked and suddenly every single one of her answers were ice cream related – I’m no Jeffree Star expert but, is that a thing? Is it a well known fact that the man enjoys ice cream?

The best part of the first group of Cracker as Gaga, Alexis as Walter Mercado and India doing Circus Mirror Jeffree Star was that Alexis just smelt blood immediately and went in on India like a shark

alexis insults India

it was a masterclass in Snatch Game interactions and because Alexis was all guns blazing Cracker just wilted into the background, using Gaga jokes that were relevant at the time but we now live in the Chromatica era of memery and she had already used most of them in last week’s challenge anyway. Her look was spot on though

cracker as Gaga

Alexis wins her round by a country mile and the best part is the funniest thing India manages to say during the whole round is as she is leaving the stage – we love a late bloomer.

The other group is Blair doing a sub-par Kate McKinnon as Ellen DeGeneres and Jujubee and Shea doing an iconic runaway performance of Horny Eartha Kitt and Flavor Flav

group 2 snatch game

Every time Jujubee purred I CACKLED

jujubee purring

there’s such an awareness of how ridiculous the entire show is in Jujubee’s performances that elevates them to God Tier – it’s magic to watch – the mental image of Eartha Kitt sensually walking over the thermostat will linger with me forever. Shea’s queered Flavor Flav was also a silly delight – the flailing limbs

shea and flav

and her jokes were delivered so perfectly – although we were robbed of a Pumpkin vs New York reference DAMMIT, although we did get a nonsense CLAT reference out of nowhere and for that we can only say CROWN SHEA IMMEDIATELY.  With Juju and Shea stealing the entire show Blair was left to sit on the end looking like a Justin Bieber garden gnome and make some… penguin jokes? She started off strong and should really have just kept going with the confused lesbian on a straight dating show gag going – it was the one joke that made Ru laugh. Although lets not give RuPaul’s comedy chops too much credit because apparently “I don’t see how that’s any of your business.” the height of comedy to him…

none of your buzinessru laughing

Shea wins but it should absolutely have been a Jeffrey Boyer-Chapman, Eartha Kitt and Flavor Flav throuple.

THE MAIN STAGE

rupaul gown

How nice of RuPaul’s fashion sense to finally join us.

Category is: Prom Queen Fantasy

Prom Queens

prom shea

The fact we only got 1 Carrie is a miracle, but boy am I glad that this is the Carrie we got – maybe Raja’s already top tier outfit scared them off but Shea managed to elevate it into a narrative befitting of her and it is immaculate – I wish the headpiece was maybe a little more refined or had a better shape – it’s a bit of a lump, something more serpentine would matched the gorgeous construction of the actual gown.

prom jujubee

This was the most Prom, it’s every 80s teen movie rolled up into one glorious little outfit, it’s not wildly out there but it is smart.

Runners-Up

prom blair

Blair has come with some strong concepts and I do love this – there’s a cartoonishness to it that I appreciate and the reveal of the teeny tiny crown underneath was cute, but it’s a little overwhelming on her very petite frame; the skirt maybe need a touch more tailoring to bring it in slightly – but as ever THAT MUG.

prom alexis

It’s a gown that we’ve seen a fair few times on this show but it’s very sitting of the prom category and I appreciate that she has stuck so strongly to her Puerto Rican heritage with the Quinceanera – although the skirt could use another 50 yards of tulle.

The Misfits

prom cracker

I like the concept of this I just really want to know why none of her clothes ever fit her properly.

prom india

No part of this is Prom Queen, there’s no horror prom reference and you can invoke Morticia Addams as much as you want, she would not be caught dead in this.

Camp Pains

Shea wins the episode and Ru drops the bombshell that going forward there will be no safe queens – everyone is up for elimination except for the winner and this really puts the cat amongst the pigeons.

Backstage Shea pulls the Kennedy Davenport Trump Card and says that she doesn’t think she needs o hold court – her decision is made, this sends India into a mild panic and you can literally see the cogs whirring in her brain

india panicking

She begs Shea for a one-on-one and decides to drop the bombshell that Alexis tried to convince people to eliminate Shea in week 3, and by campaigned he means she asked Mayhem and India to put Shea’s lipstick in the box, a grand total of 3 of the 8 queens – unless everyone else happens to be lying and know nothing about it but the lack of receipts shown leads me to absolutely believe India is making it all up but God bless her for stirring up shit as her demon pact is apparently only good for 3 bottom appearances.

This obviously sets Alexis off on the war path, and she rightfully points out that making a part of 3 out of 8 queens is hardly a winning campaign – India must have sucked at Age of Empires. All of it was worth it though for Alexis’ iconic delivery during her vote for India

alexis 2alexis 1

Although my favourite part of the voting was Jujubee’s fake out vote for Cracker – DO IT, YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO. And then you had India quoting scripture during hers and when I tell you I cringed myself inside out – I did.

The Return of Vanjie

vanjie

What are the qualifications for being a lipsync assassin? Because Vanjie won a grand total of 2 lipsyncs and one of those was only because she was up against Shuga Cain flapping around in a Hugh Hefner smoking jacket.

The lipsync was a bit of a dud, “Open Your Heart” by Madonna just lacks the energy that both Shea and Vanjie are capable of, and I think the backstage shenanigans had gotten in Shea’s head because she seemed really off, although she was miles better than Vanjie who for some reason was wearing a leather gloved straight jacket?

vanjie straight jacke

It’s a cruel and unusual punishment? Why impede yourself like that? And then there’s Shea still in her running tear Carrie makeup looking like a referee going through a rough break-up

shea lipsync

Shea is winner and she draws out her lipstick reveal and luckily Alexis doesn’t have to face the mortification of being eliminated in front of her Drag protege as Shea draws India’s lipstick. I wonder if India gets her soul back from whichever demon she sold it to?

India ha the longest, most drawn out elimination exit speech about “the 5 Hs” but most importantly she whispers into Shea’s ear that SHE DEFINITELY, ABSOLUTELY WAS NOT LYING. A troublemaker to the last ❤

NEXT WEEK:

cracker next time

The Crackening enters Phase Four.

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